This is another excellent topic!!!

I am so proud of all the moms who day in and day out have to deal with such a situation.

I will have to say church does help alot and having a meeting with the priest or pastor or a father.
Tons of prayers - can't say that enough.
Sit and talk with your daughter about what was said in church ( to see if she was paying attention )
give her a different direction and positive direction to focus on. My ex hated me for taking the girls to church and my oldest daughter fought tooth and nail not to go. But she had an option either I could take her or have the police escort her to church.

I have 3 daughters and my oldest is 21 and yours is 12 so you can never let your guard down - she is going to fight you day in and day out and make you want to quit. I started making 8x10 notes on my kitchen cupboards which she hated when her friends would come over....I would take her focus out of the battle between her father and I and place it in her education and her behavior and her faith.

once the focus is taking away from your ex - the drama will cut down almost in half. If your daughter brings up his name or whatever she calls him.
You just say I will not allow that bad word in our house beings your ex does not honor you as a mother in front of your daughter.
Then when your daughter visits him and says mom keeps telling me your name is a BAD WORD lol -
he surely will know that you are not accepting his behavior either and then your daughter will know that dad really isn't such the wonderful person he claims to be..... because men are expecting us women to lower our standards and use bad language which then we would be turned in for verbal abuse - this way - no verbal abuse is used just better words that have a better meaning.

juju <<<<< GREAT ADVICE!!!!

I saw this post today as I was scanning the internet regarding the same subject. I don't know if you are still going through this horrible traumatizing travesty with your daughter but the good news is, at least you caught it while she is still very young. You have a slim chance to save yourself and her too. But you will run the gauntlet and it will be the hardest gut wrenching thing to go through. It feels that desperate. You want to grab your child in your arms, change your names and run to the border and screaming the truth to the heavens and letting God be your judge.

What these sociopathic fathers do to their children is another form of child abuse. For all intensive purposes they are “murdering” a parent. My daughter is 22y/o and I see that I may be dealing with the effects of this forever even with counseling. I was confused about my daughter’s erratic attitude towards me over the last 5-10 years. I thought I was dealing with a normal teenage rebellious child, but as she became a young adult it got worst. Mood swings, no empathy, alienation, secretive, crying jags, outbursts, frustration, withdrawing but wanting a relationship at the same time until something didn’t go her way and then she would be quick to anger & incoherent about what set her off. Telling me she hated me. Accusing me of loving her brother more when I’ve done more for her than him, she certainly has gotten more of my time and attention if anything I’ve short sheeted him because she was always so demanding of attention. Something small would blow up to a volcano.

Initially, I thought I spoiled her too much and the more I tried to correct her the more it played into what he was doing behind my back to undermine me. She would vent to him & he in turn would amplify & magnify it. I see it so clear now, but not then, therefore, it got worse. I was so confused and unable to help her because I didn’t understand what was happening under my nose. Countless nights I sat up and lost sleep while he snored into dreamland unfazed. I begged her to tell me what was wrong and there were rare times that she almost did but would quickly clam up again. I didn’t realize it until just recently what was really going on & that was by accident. My husband, the immature, passive aggressive moron is, I’ve discovered, a sociopathic bully. I have had problems with this fool the whole time we’ve been married. I could never put my finger on it and now his conduct makes sense. He would do the most horrendous warped twisted thing to me that would be damaging to any relationship and never seem to be remorseful for the pain he caused only to repeat the same type offense only worse over and again, with no apparent reasonable explanation, concept or rationale as to the consequences of his actions. Lying, deceit, games and then acting like it wasn’t so bad, he just made a mistake, forget it, rollover I want sex.

Excuse me if I don’t elaborate on him any further, just thinking about all the BS he put me through ticks me off and anyway, that would make this post become even longer and I’ve said enough to try explain why I am where I am with her and I want to focus on the real issue. But I will add that I knew he was a small (only in spirit not stature, he’s 6’2”), silly, vindictive, spiteful, ignorant man prone to one-sided thinking. Prone to poor callous frivolous judgment regarding anything related to relationships that over the years have been very hurtful and humiliating. I have wanted a divorce but thought of the kids, wanted a lover but thought of the kids and myself. Was I now to become an adulteress, to keep my ‘family’ intact? I have felt so trapped in this. He worked, paid the bills, cut the grass, fixed the cars, etc. and most women single & married saw him as a “gift” and told me so. I would cringe. A tormentor, a gift? I did not want to be a single parent and thought I could learn to live with it or he would change, but over the years I felt more and more empty, burdened and unfulfilled. But I had no idea he was so screwed up that he actually use my daughter to hurt me with no remorse and it has just about killed me. I now know what this sociopath of 23 years has been doing to my daughter behind my back for several years. All the undermining, making himself appear an innocent & a victim as he abused me in every way. The nature of the conversations they were having that I was not privy too is abundantly clear. At this point I am maligned, a liar, and a devil in my own house. My daughter has no respect for me at all & announced to me viciously that she hates me, is not connected to me but connected to her father and basically I am nothing and he gloats. Can you believe it! The father who basically ignored her, disparaged her so many times to me to the point where I’ve asked him did he think she was his child because he would be so harsh and unrelenting never showing her love of any sort. He sat back, emotionally & spiritually retarded and let me do all the work: nursemaid, counselor, cook, supporter, nurturer, cheerleader, organizer, bridge-builder, mind-reader, healer, disciplinarian, guider, & boundary drawer. And now I am the villain. He wouldn’t know if she was swinging off a pole or seek to find out unless someone drew a neon sign on his tail, but he has her love and consideration more than I do. Me! The mother who did my best to support her in everyway, emotionally, spiritually, & financially!! I sacrificed my whole life for it. What a waste!! Back then, no could’ve told me I wasn’t doing the right thing to stay, to the point I overdid to make up for his lack: so as a result she is spoiled, self centered, unappreciative, & selfish.

She has done her very best to be manipulative, use me, lie to me and on me and be deceitful, & now I’m learning has twisted my words and apparently has stabbed me in back many times with smear campaigns against me to persons, particularly a person that I have cut out of my life, knowing that would hurt me. Of course my now ex-friend is loving that and using my daughter to validate herself!! My husband is protecting her in it and calling me a crazy alcoholic to her. I am not an alcoholic or crazy, but if I have one drink with a meal or after work to unwind. I’ve learned that he’s been magnifying it with my daughter, but he can sit there and drink a whole case of beer in front of them. My daughter has never seen me drunk, never slur my words, never poured me into bed, never seen me stumble. But will announce in the house that I am an alcoholic, where did she get that from but him. I believe that if I were on fire and she wouldn’t even walk across the street to spit on me. It goes on and on. She has no balance in her judgement , she wants to believe him even if it makes no sense. Like I said before, I recently have figured this out and I feel like an idiot and stupid, I never would of thought this would happen in my own house and how evil & nasty the whole thing is; therefore, I am new to how to handle it.

The best advice is this, do your best to remain calm. Get her and yourself to counseling fast. You need support and most people won’t understand this. Stay connected to a church. Spend time with her as much as possible, but try not to buy her loyalty. You will be only as good as the minute after you buy it. Do things with her and for her that have meaning beyond money. Lady lunches, Go to wig shops & try on wigs and take pictures, Picnics for two, etc. Stay positive, even if you are breaking, don’t let her see she is hurting you. She won’t care right now, you are in for a fight, keep your anger with her & him in check as best as you can. Walk away, they have manufactured ammunition don’t give them live fire. They will use it against you. It will be tough & stressful to maintain your composure at all times. Forgive yourself if you lose patience. I have lost mine at times with the stress of keeping cool. I found myself after a round with my 22 y/o after getting hit with a barrage of her screaming insults & disrespect ended up telling her she was a nasty bitch in front of her father. I felt terrible, but had been pushed to my brink, and your authority in your own house to say what happens is under attack and she will challenge it and he is controlling you still from a distance. That’s hard to deal with. It’s very unsettling & disorienting to a parent. If you say something to your daughter to call it out, your crazy or jealous, say something to him it will be the same response. If you do nothing you will watch your child and your relationship with her unravel before your eyes. If you become a parent and correct her on anything she will vent to him which plays into the whole thing. If you fight fire with fire it will fracture her further. You’ve already done one good thing, he’s your ex. Get a journal and write the episodes as you discover them and her responses towards you. You may need it. Expect him to show no mercy to her even if she is just a little girl or you, he doesn’t care. He’d rather destroy you even if he destroys her in the process. Start taping his nasty conversations with you if he has any. Sometimes things are not always won in court and you never know when he will trip and say the wrong thing. However, messages on phones are admissible, if you can get it. Limit his time with her if you can, without appearing spiteful, consider it protection. Move across town so it is not as convenient for him to get her as much, if you can. Do not let her go live with him as tempting as that may be on your end to get a little peace. It will be false peace. It will be a short lived break and she will be worse for sure. Don’t give up. All of this will hurt her in the end; no matter what you do, it is just about how much. It’s very sad and heartbreaking, but he may loose interest in her if he feels you are not reacting and end up digging his own hole with her and she will lose her faith in him and be your baby again. You still have time, pray hard. You will not be able to protect her from all of it but only to a degree. Remember, he is the jackhole, not you. Just try to lessen the hurt and hope the SOB drops dead. It will hurt her still but it won’t destroy her.