wow, I read a lot of your stories and had so many similarities in mine. I am so glad I am not a lone. This post has really gave me a new outlook on a lot of things. The problem with my daughter was she was very promiscuous. She started her freshman year seeing a guy we totally forbid her to see. We went through so much trying to keep her away from him, it was a very hard time in our lives. She has three younger siblings, who also had to deal with all her drama. The relationship was so dysfunctional all along, he kept her a secret from everyone, even thought he had someone pregnant when they started dating. She finally left him alone, for awhile anyway's. She ended up getting pregnant by a boy whose family totally denied the baby, so much hardship and drama there as well. She has a poor reputation in the town we live in, so needless to say the parents were not happy. A DNA was finally done and the baby turned out to be his. She has played games with this boy since the baby has been born. She does not let him see the baby, even though there were times I agreed she should not ( I know wrong), but for the most part I tried to get the parents to have a relationship with the baby, but they did not want to deal with my daughter. I ended up however paying a huge amount of money on a lawyer when they took her to court. I did talk my daughter into getting on some form of birth control because I knew how promiscuous she was. I was just hoping to get her through high school, and move her away when she got pregnant, but when the baby came I worried about the baby. She loves her baby and for the most part is a good mom, but she is one of those types that will always put her men first in her life, and that's what we often fought about. Since her freshman year of high school she has given me trouble. I was so tired of it, when I found out she was trying to rekindle the relationship with the boy whom all this trouble started over, I was furious. She was trying to get back with him, while playing games with her child's father and seeing another boy all at the same time. I was done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her to leave my house, took her car and her phone away. I thought ok, she will see her downfall finally, because I was done. Well my meddling mother who is all about status came down and got her, then got mad at me for getting mad at her for rescuing my daughter, and proceeded to tell me I didn't care about my grandson. This is a woman who did not help me at all get into college, I did it all on my own with the help of a teacher (I had my daughter in high school as well). My mom has always been controlling, and I know this is terrible to say but she was never really an involved mother, she provided for us, but never got involved with my life until after I moved out at 16 ( I would get so jealous because all the moms would show up to class parties, but not mine, even when she wasn't working). Her and my father always lived their own lives, and probably were not the best parents ever, but I loved them very much. My mom is the type of women if your not doing for her, then she don't want crap to do with you. None of my friends could stand her growing up, and still till this day a lot of my adult friends don't like her either. Don't get me wrong she may have not been a good mom, but she is an awesome grandmother. But she is about status, and it just tickled her to death when my , Teenage remind you, daughter became pregnant, and couldn't understand at all why I was so disappointed. She has totally forgotten about her grandchildren, whom are still very young, and only focuses on her great grandbaby, because saying great grandbaby gives her status . My kids don't really want much to do with my parents now, even though I tell them they can call their grandparents if they want, because my daughter had verbally abused them so much when she got in trouble and are upset because they came and rescued her. My oldest child is probably the most hurt because he felt that was wrong on their part. My mom wrote me a nasty letter criticizing me, calling me awful names because I was mad at her. My parents have turned my daughter against me. I asked her when she planned on getting her stuff out of my house(she had 4 weeks since the time she left, and never once came and got it). She wanted me to pay for storage when I told her no, she told me to sell everything, so I did, and then she got mad at me for that. I asked her if I could see my grandson and she told me no that I had pictures to look at (which she would always tell her child's father) . She proceeded to tell me that I should have thought about my grandson before I gave all her S*&t away( I never gave away any of his stuff). Then she ends the conversation with, "your making me suffer by walking everywhere, so I am going to make you suffer by never seeing the baby". I know she will take care of the baby, I'm not sure why I should be financially responsible for her choices. Anyway's, my mom, I am 100% sure is telling her if she has anything to do with me she will cut her off too, that's the way my mom is, very jealous woman. She fails to understand however she is keeping the baby away from his aunts and uncle too. So we are going on a little over a month since I have talked to my mom or daughter. I think what my parents have done is unforgettable by me. I will forgive them in my heart, but I will never have anything to do with them ever. I have cried and cried over this, but after reading some of the posts I feel like a new woman. I am just going to pray for my daughter and grandchild and leave it at that. I know she will take care of him, I believe she loves him, and maybe one day when my grandbaby gets older, we can have lunch at McDonalds. I wish her a good life, but I am so moving on with mine. I am tired of the games and all the drama! If someone ever writes a book "chicken soup for the unappreciated grandmother", let me know I am in!!!! I want to end by saying, I may have been a little overbearing at times, but I was very much involved in my daughters life. I put myself through College, worked and attended all her parties when she was a child. I was the host mom whenever the girls wanted a slumber party. My husband says the only thing I did wrong was give her too much. Anyway's, Thank you so much for sharing your stories, you have impacted my life tremendously, and I will no longer allow her too! God bless you parents who truly tried with your children. Let them continue to try and hurt us..God knows dirty!!!!!!!! Pray for them, that's all we can do!!!

There are different reasons why a child hates their parent. it is either because of some genetic reason (i.e. they have a chemical imbalance/genetic disorder) or the child suffered from environmental factors (i.e. insecure attachment from childhood or trauma latter in life) or a combination.

Most of the time, someone who is aggressive towards their parent is enraged due to environmental factors or a combination of environmental and genetic. I think it is rare that it is only genetic. Many times, the parent and the child aren't even aware of this and, if it is related to the parents behavior, they probably suffered their own trauma as a child. Of course, it may not even have been something the parent did directly. For example, it could be the child was abused by a relative or a teacher. The child may harbor anger towards the parent for not protecting them (even though the parent didn't know, but psychology is complex). Another example is fit. Maybe your child had colic and it wasn't possible to console them. Or maybe you had different ways of relating. Some babies prefer to be looked at and talked to instead of being held, which can be very hard for a mother. You weren't at fault but it resulted in a poor attachment, which became the foundation for the relationship and their experience of the world.

These traumas, unless they are dealt with and integrated/released, stay inside us and get worse. They actually become encoded in the body.

One major theory used to understand this is attachment theory and affect regulation. Visit this link or google those terms. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

30-45% of the population suffers from some form of insecure attachment.

The point I am trying to make is that if your child hates you, perhaps there is an opportunity for you to work with the child and recover together. This can be a powerful way to connect and grow. Its very possible that both you and the child (who is now an adult) are unaware of the root cause of it. Instead you and/or they have buttons that get triggered and cause explosions that are, basically, reactions to previous unresolved traumas. If it is something related to interactions between you and the child (as opposed to your spouse or someone else) then you probably learned these traits as a child from your parents or a traumatic experience.

This is not about blaming anyone though. It is about treatment and recovery. It is more difficult to face and solve a problem than to ignore and suffer from it.

If this is happening and if you and/or your child are unable to acknowledge this, it becomes even more difficult to deal with it. Find a good therapist. You may need to see separate therapists. This is complicated and difficult work.

Whatever the case is with you and your daughter, I wish both of you heartfelt luck. Having a negative relationship with your child or parent is extremely painful and harmful for both people.

Someone told me--a lady who runs a soup kitchen and is a very spiritual person, but without a lot of money--that all you can really do for your kids is pray for the. I see the wisdom in this.
My daughter is 37. She is a good mother and a hard worker. If she hadn't decided to arbitrarily have 3 kids by a drunk and abusive man she wouldn't have had to work so hard. It kills me to see how hard she has to work. She hates me because she says I don't respect her choices in life. Nothing I do makes any difference. i try to communicate and she seldom answers. No cards on Mother's Day, birthday. Not allowed to stay at her house the one time I have visited. If I send her money, which I have a few times she makes it clear that she didn't ask for it and it won't buy me a place in her life. I tried many ploys including leaving her alone, and hoping she'll come round. Nothing doing. If I never called her again she'd never call me. My grand-kids could care less about me and one is actually rude. I realized that I have spent the last 13 years kissing up to my daughter and it not having the smallest effect. I am not about to start apologizing to the preteen princess for telling her that pictures of her booty do not belong on Facebook.
I really don't think there is anything that can be done. It is hard to wait, but that seems to be your fate and mine. I don't think I will ever have a real relationship with mine, and it breaks my heart. I keep wishing I could have amnesia. In my neighborhood I swear there are crack dealers with more loving families than mine.

You know what let my daughter HATE ME that's her problem! I love her I miss her and my grandkids!! NOMORE HEART BREAK JUST MOVING ON!!!

I cannot change her ! She is selfish and thinks i should hand everything to her! hum i have cut her out of my will and will give my home to the church before she gets anything else from me! I have cried enough and i have set boundaries up!

ENOUGH of her RUDE selfish Ungrateful abusive daughter!!! I AM done with the tears!!! I AM moving on!!!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPEND IT PLAYING THE HURT PAINFUL HEART GAME WITH HER! she lives her life and if she chooses to HATE ME so be it!!! I am not going to help her!!!

I'm having a great time exploring the earth and meeting nice people! I'm going to spend the rest of my life smiling!!! If I decide to help anyone it will be stranger or relative that appreciates my help!! HATE ME I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!!

SMILE LADIES AND KEEP MOVING ON!!

HELLO! AFTER TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT´S GOING ON WITH YOUR DAUGHTER CAN I ASK WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU? I ALSO HAD A LOUSY CHILDHOOD BUT DON´T PUNISH MYSELF ADDING DRINKING OR GETTING FAT! DEAR, YOU ARE ALIVE! FIRST LOVE YOURSELF! YOUR DAUGHTER KNOWS YOU´RE WEAK! YOU DON´T NEED TO BUY YOUR FAMILY´S LOVE! WHY THE CAR? DOES SHE DESERVE IT? AND WHAT ABOUT THE TV,..! YOU DON´T HAVE TO GIVE EXPLANATIONS FOR YOUR DECISIONS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ¡YOU ARE THE MOTHER , THE GROWNUP, ! THINGS ARE YOURS! YOU CAN "TELL" WHY YOU DECIDED SOMETHING BUT YOU MUST NOT´T ADMIT TO GIVE AN " EXPLANATION" TO YOUR CHILDREN!. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? THE MOTHER, THE OWNER, THE ONLY ONE?SHE´S JUST A SPOILED POOR CHILD OF 18 YEARS! IF YOU CONTINUE BEING SO PERMISSING, SHE´LL ONLY GET WORSE! IF YOU LOVE HER TRY TO PUT THINGS IN I´IT'S PLACE... SAVE HER FROM HERSELF! IT SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE´S NOT IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION SO PROBABLY , IF YOU DON´T MAKE SOME CHANGES SHE´LL HAVE A LIFE FULL OF PROBLEMS ...TRY TO STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF, STOP DRINKING(SHE KNOWS THAT AND PROBABLY HATES YOU FOR YOUR WEAKNESS, SORRY TEENS ARE LIKE THAT!)TRY TO STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR PAST... YOU´VE GOT A LIFE IN FRONT! YOU HAVE TO WIN HER RESPECT! DON´T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM OTHERS , DO ALL YOU CAN BY YOURSELF, THEN YOU´LL START TO FEEL BETTER AND YOU´LL SURELY AND INSTINCTIVELY KNOW WHAT TO GIVE, WHEN TO SAY NO, WHEN TO SPEAK OR GIVE AN EXPLANATION.. STOP LOOSING..!!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED AND LOVED AS ANYBODY BUT YOU´LL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR OWN OLD RULES..
WHISH YOU WELL! (I´M A SPANISH SPEAKER ... LUCK WITH MY ENGLISH!)

Interesting to find this forum after a search of my 20-year-old daughter hates me.

I would not exactly sum it up like that in reality, but seemed a quick way to find a group like y'all's. Here's my story, or rather, the impetus for writing this:

My daughter just left, on her way back to where she lives for her summer job, in housing paid for by the company. She's leaving because we had a run in last night. But that was after about four hours of a great time.

Yesterday, Saturday, I picked my daughter up in NYC after she took a bus ride here from her work place, to stay the weekend - but the main point being to pick up her car - which was here, being fixed. The engine had been completely ruined on a car I bought for her (after asking my father for 1/2 of the cost, since I could not afford it. I also used the money I had been planning to spend on a promised gift of a camera for my son. So this was a sacrifice to buy the car for her a couple of years ago - but she doesn't think much about the sacrifice).

So, anyway, had her car towed from her work to our local gas station at a cost of $400 because the local guy would fix the car for $3,000 less than anyone in her area. Picked her up, took her to China Town for a quick dinner, eating it in the car, on the way to take her to have her roots touched up.

Keep in mind, I have had a very hard time financially so this was all like a beautiful gift from God to us - as we have known being hungry, etc. My husband died and we were left in poverty.

So my daughter, Saturday, gets in the car, eats the Chinese food, gets her hair colored, comes home to eat with me and my dad - and then says she's going to play video games. And I realize uh-oh!! I gave the tv to my son, without telling her. She throws tantrums. So I figured better let him have it without telling her.

But didn't think about the fact the tv would be gone when telling her to come home to get the car when fixed.

So, after asking my dad to pay the almost two thousand dollars for the car, my daughter is in the house finding out there's no tv for her to play (no BIG SCREEN TV) we do have a regular one. But the big one was a gift for the children so she was furious I let him take it.

She came running after me, as I know by now when she's in a tizzy LEAVE. I'd gone for a walk (really to call my son on the cell phone and warn him). I was able to hide the phone, quickly, so she thought I was just going for a walk (to avoid her, obviously. That she knew). And she tried to talk a little bit (in a tantrum fashion though) to show me how wrong I was to let him have the TV and how I supposedly favor him (well he doesn't throw tanstrums so he IS a lot easier!).

So I said if she thinks about it she'll realize it's jealousy. And that I'd let him do it because he had some editing work to do and needed a monitor. (True. It is not about watcing TV).

So she goes into the garage where there's my car (on her way into the house) and she sees a glass bottle of grape juice - and throws it! Crash.

Under my car.

Then she went to sleep on the sofa, with her boots on, until the morning. At which time she left.


She would tell you that I favored my son by giving him the TV and that it was disappointing for her not to be able to play games. And that I am fat, and can never loose weight. And that the money I spent on her wasn't my money anyway so there's no need to be grateful to me. And that she's grateful for the Chinese food, ride and that that has nothing to do with giving Steve a TV. And she would say that I deserve having glass thrown under my car and too bad.

She has no sense of feeling bad about things. I really am perplexed by her. It was worse when she was a teen. But I have a feeling the people at her job hate her. Who wouldn't?

She is very beautiful. Smart. Just rude as can be, self-centered. Thinks that other people are shallow, not her. She even gets mad at God.

There feels like no way to talk to her. She just gets angry.

Sometimes I wonder if all of our daughters are depressed. Could depression be epidemic? And we are all seeing the results?

Is it from seeing TV and assuming that because all shows depict children who hate their parents, that they should hate them too?

I honestly find almost nothing pleasurable about my daughter. I pray to be with her without even flinching so she can not see that she is not even a pleasant person to be with.

I am not proud of her though I say so to make her feel good about herself when she does something good. And when she acts like throwing the glass, I tell her i am disappointed in her.

I take great care NEVER to respond in like fashion and NEVER to be unloving.

I keep telling myself seven times seventy when i am tempted to pout or not answer her.

She is a miserable person. I think a lot of the problem with kids these days is that we ALL allow these kids to make comments to each other like, "idiot, not like that..."

They are SOOOOOOOOOO rude to one another!

They say o that's how people talk.

Yeah, well, that's why we hate you kids. lol We are trying so hard to be loving examples!And all you are doing is taking advantage and being rude back.

I thought the girl here who took the time to write a very thoughtful, honest, insightful letter to moms was really, really brilliant. Thank you, so much for that.

Yes, we were all daughters. In my case, I had a mother who was like a two-year-old. She could never share, was all about her and never ever ever showed me things like how to tie my shoes. I had to figure it out. She said I was too stupid to learn. So let me tell ya THAT'S a mother ya don't want! lol

So I PROMISED myself I will be a GOOD mother, a KIND mother, an INSTRUCTIVE mother, a LISTENING mother.

And what I found out is: kids with good mothers don't recognize that they are in fact good mothers!

Part of my biggest obstacle though was that because of the fire I had my kids around MY MOTHER! Who ws always telling my kids how awful I am. How stupid, how ugly. So guess what my kids grew up thinking? That the nice mother was the fool.

So it has been a challenge!!!

But one thing I have promised myself: NEVER EVER EVER EVER to be unloving or mean or childish to my daughter.

So ok maybe something went awry and she is a beast. But it will not ever be that I fed into that!
I will not behave like that and I will not be like all the people who say o tough love.

tough love makes these kids WORSE - and it just gets YOU out of the problem - and only for a while. Tough love is EXACTLY what Jesus preached AGAINST.

The Pharisees were unloving and superficial.

I will not be like that. I will be loving to my daughter (even though I feel like I can't stand her personality nor her choices!! lol She seems like a beast. )

I am grately looking forward to when she has a real job and LEAVES. And I will be grateful when she gets married - if anyone will ever marry her!

The painful thing is I can see she is not happy. And I can see she is being mean because she feels the world is mean to her!

LET'S ALL PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER'S DAUGHTERS, PLEASE~!! That this ends. And that whatever social phenomena causes this, ends!!

I completely understand how you feel. My (then) 15 year old daughter decided to leave me and my husband (who has known her since she was four years old and has been her stepdad since six) to live with her father who was a decent father (bad husband) She wanted to live with him because (now I know) he was seldom home (at the bar) and she had more freedom. She rarely wanted to see me or talk to me unless she was not getting what she wanted or he yelled at her (which I was very familiar with) He knew he had high blood pressure but continued to live his lifestyle. I am in no way innocent - I have my own vices - (and please, ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGISTS, i'm one also, MEN and CHILDLESS people, NO ADVICE PLEASE) OK to go on, my daughter was living with him and he had a stoke on October 27th, 2009 at the age of 46. She and him were in the house alone, she was asleep and found him in his bedroom and called 911. I was on my way home from work (10:30 pm) and got the call from her that her daddy was dead! I turned around and rushed to his house and she totally shunned me! A neighbor (a "nurse" by profession?) stopped me from running to her to comfort her. She was telling me to "calm down" and all I wanted to do was comfort my only child. Let me tell you, I was about to knock her out for trying to stop me from getting to her to hug her (my daughter was sitting in a chair in her driveway while paramedics were there) AFTERMATH - My daughter was seeing a therapist to help her through this, and she decided after several sessions that she no longer wanted to visit the therapist. OK. Fast forward, my now sixteen year old daughter allowed a friend to drive her deceased father's truck on June 4th, 2010 and wrecked it. Now I am the bad Mom because in the confusion of the scene of the accident, I allowed the tow truck driver (luck of the draw) to take the truck to a understaffed and overworked repair shop. Now it has been over a month since the accident. The truck is no where near done, and after a month they offered a free loaner car. My husband and I both thought this was a bad idea, but I finally broke down because she is driving me crazy. We went today to get the loaner car, but it had an expired inspection sticker and the asst mgr took it to get inspected and it did not pass. I tried to be understanding with the person at the shop, but he made the ridiculous mistake of telling us that we could drive the loaner car anyway, with an expired inspection sticker! OK now I am the evil mother who just wants to keep my daughter prisoner, that this was some kind of conspiracy to keep her home Please, I was the one to convince her stepdad to let her drive the free loaner. I am at the point...well I don't know exactly how I feel OK she said to me three times today that she hated me...so finally I said "Well then I hate you too!" Oh boy, that was exactly what she wanted to hear. sometimes I don't want to care, but I want her to be happy, Believe me, I am at the point where I don't want to give a *** anymore. I am trying to be strong and do the right thing but I am being fought with and told that I am hated left and right. I broke down tonight and have been crying uncontrollably, which has been well overdue. (PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE TRULY READ THIS, COUNSELING HAS BEEN DONE, OFFERED, OFFERED AGAIN, ETC. THIS IS ONLY TO THE HELPLESS, MISERABLE MOMS OUT THERE THAT, HEY, I'M THERE TOO!)

I am new to this Forum and at the same time truly AMAZED that I am NOT ALONE nor a BAD MOM!

I reconcilled with my daughter 2 years ago..
She is spoiled rotten and lives with her Dad who only enables this behavior. She dropped out of high school cuz she wasn't getting up in the morning to go...and she was having trouble with some kids...of course it was their fault and Dad allowed her to do online classes which she stopped so she never graduated!! Yes, she is working full time.

She is terribly 2 faced, talks about everyone,
(Bad Mouths) so I am certain I too, am one she puts down.

With out going into a long detail blog here this is the latest. Brace yourself...LOL

Yes, humor and my positive and optimistic attitude has truly kept me going...yet I feel like I am out of control allowing this, as I know if a friend ever did this that would be it!

So here goes~

My birthday comes and goes and NO call, NO card...nadda!

Mothers Day comes and she tells me she can ONLY meet me at her side of town, I live just 45 mins away...I even suggested 1/2 way and she refused. Then calls me at 6 PM and tells me she can't even do that!

I have many many friends and can for the most part get along with just about anybody!
I am very well liked and loved by many~

A co worker ran into her and my friend made a comment about me saying...your Mom is so pretty and she responds by saying...oh, you should see her without makeup...LOL RUDE!!!

I keep allowing myself to get HURT! I call her once a week...I so want a relationship. Sometimes she answers sometimes not. She is very moody, and quite manipultive, Also was diagnosed with ADD...but that is NO EXCUSE, by gawd! :0(

She very seldom responds to my texts, and or calls.
Of course if she has something COOL to share then she calls. Sometimes we talk for an hour and I feel so good and hopeful. Then slammmm!!!
Months go bye she doesn;t call...yet I am most always the one who calls. I miss my babygirl.

Now she is posting pic's of her Dad's wedding and makes a note how beautiful his bride is.
Now mind u she bad mouths her, says she is so ugly and not good for her Dad, yet she says this?
Screamed bloody hell to her Dad when he announced he was getting married, yet she goes to his wedding!! Claims she hates this poor lady.

How the heck do I get away from this?

I am happily married to my one true Soul Mate and he too has gone thru something similiar. He tells me to walk away and someday she will grow up and make amens, But ya know....sometimes people don't change and continue to be mean and evil their entire lifes. Her Dad is a real phony, Bi-Polar and extremely VINDICTIVE!! She is too, yet I continue to allow her in my life even when this so called non relationship is TOXIC!!

I am desperate for a relationship with my only daughter and I am so disappointed that she is so mean and hateful. She is this way with so called friends too.. Bullying and intimidation has been her weapons for years even when she was young.

I know I need to STOP contacting her and STOP looking at her Facebook...

Please guide me as my heart is broken and I am truly hurting.

Maddie

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Edited by Maddie at 06/29/2010 12:32 PM PDT