please someone help me!!!! i have a 14 13 and 11 year old girls. things are fine between my 2 youngest but my oldest is a different story. i cant tell her anything that she doesn't blow up at me. when that happens i get upset and it goes down hill from there, what should i do please help
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(671 of 791)
Oct 18, 2011 5:46 AM
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david97 I just found your post. I feel for you and understand I think for you and I one of the worst things is pour daughters aren't babies. We cant use the young and immature excuse for them hoping they will out grow it. Yours is 43 mine is 38. I know what you are feeling. But I also know what I am feeling. As each day passes and we don't hear from her. My husband and I just also grow more and more distant and angry. I have tried about 5 times in the last 6 months to reach out to her and every single time she turns my words into something ugly and non sensical. I was starting to think I was crazy. But I showed others the correspondence and they all concluded she's nuts. WE had a great relationship up until 8 years ago. her husband who had treated her like dirt for over 2 years and hurt her so much suddenly shows up with a 1 1/2 carat diamond ring and my daughter did a 180 and never turned back. He is controlling and vicious and the apple doesnt fall from the tree because his mother is controlling and vicious. And they all lie thru their teeth. It didnt take but about 1 year of my daughter being exposed to them for her to think like them and act like them. every value and moral I taught her disappeared . All the respect i taught her disappeared. And So after 8 years of humilation by her and his family and total disrespect from her and her husband my husband I had enough on the last fall out we had with thme and turned and walked away. I had to for my health! there comes a point when you have to chose your life over others even if it is your only child  Im 57 and I still have a lot of living to do. I refuse to lay down and die of a broken heart because she is just loving and living her life fine with out us and not giving a crap. So WE must do the same! It does get easier.... But you have to learn to place all those lost feelings on a shelf somewhere and its ok to take them out now and then but you cannot dwell on them! Please feel free to contact me anytime... Just post here and I get the notifications and Ill be right there to respond! We all need each other!!!! |
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(670 of 791)
Oct 18, 2011 5:23 AM
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Oh Tracey I am so sorry to hear this but. Forst know you are not alone you can see that from this forum. Secondly Congratulations you are picking yourself up and healing and making your life better. As for your daughter you have no choice but to just give her time and let her heal or be angry or what ever it is she needs to do. Truthfully Id stop the emails. I would send her one last emails and Just say to her I love you, I know I am not perfect and I am trying to be the mother and person you would be proud of. We would love for you to be a part of our wedding day and hopefully all move forward that day to a long and loving and happy relationship. Then Id send her an invitation and leave it at that. You need to not let this drag you down or you will never heal . She is young she may get over it she may not. What you need to realize is she isnt a baby anymore and we cannot coddle them or convince them . They have their own mind sets and they think they know it all. I pray my daughter gets a clue but I seriously doubt she ever will. But I refuse to allow her to ruin my life. I sacrificed most of my life for her and gave her a wonderful life. My husband and I cherished her and we were so proud of her. But they get warped ideas in their head and you cant change them. Make your life with your new man and hang tough and stay strong. You are an amazing woman who has walked a long hard road and not many can walk in your shoes or begin to even understand it. Hold your head Up You Rock and dont you ever doubt that for a minute!!! And you hit the nail on the head when you said How they can form close bonds with others and not you.......I think thats the thing that bothers me most also. I once told my daughter A mother doesnt carry a baby under heart for 9 months and then its over. Its a bond you think will be there forever. And it breaks your heart when they are oblivious to it. -- Edited by CaraBoo13 at 10/18/2011 8:27 AM EDT |
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vienna123
Posts:
1
From:
kent
Registered:
10/17/11
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(669 of 791)
Oct 18, 2011 12:01 AM
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i no how you fell i have three children and one on the way x i have been having trouble with my nine year old i have been split from her dad now for seven years and up until two years ago all was fine x i dnt really no where all her angry came from all the time she can do what she wants she is fine but when i tell her no to something or tell her to get in the bath put washing away she is off she shouts the most hurtful nasty things to me and her siblins destroys her sisters things and this will go on for days x so in the end i asked her dad to have her as thats where she wants to live but her was saying no cause of his new girlfriend which wasnt helpful as it made her worse so yesterday i sort advice to find out if i could just take her to him and leave her which i could x i did this last nite took her to him and i feel terrible even thou it was the rite thing to do to make her happy xx
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Tracey636
Posts:
2
From:
Alberta, Canada
Registered:
10/17/11
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(668 of 791)
Oct 17, 2011 1:36 PM
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I am so sorry, David97, I truly know how you feel. It is so hard to feel you have lost a child but still knowing that they are out there living and forming close bonds with others and not you. I hope that we can all heal and feel peace once again soon.
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Tracey636
Posts:
2
From:
Alberta, Canada
Registered:
10/17/11
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(667 of 791)
Oct 17, 2011 12:48 PM
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I am also in a similar situation. I have 3 wonderful children 23, 22 and my youngest 19. I have made many mistakes in my childrens lives as I had a melt down and totally changed my way of life and not for the better. I am now trying to overcome alcoholism and other problems. My youngest daughter and I were very close and spent many years with just us living together and spending many hours together. 6 months ago we had an argument, I have since written her letters trying to help her forgive me for everything that I have to do her and her siblings. I have found a great man whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with and we have been planning to get married before the incident. I am not sure how to procede with the wedding and family pictures without her. It breaks my heart and I spend many hours crying and being torn apart inside, my heart is breaking daily. Her father did get her into counselling and from my mother whom my daughter is living with right now, I heard that her counsellor has told her that I am toxic and that she does not need me. Do I just move on with my life and consider the fact that I only have two children and she does not need or want me. I can no longer live this way.
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(666 of 791)
Oct 5, 2011 6:55 AM
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Ya know I just watched a movie 2 nights ago on lifetime movie network with Hillery Swank she was 15 and it sounds exactly like your situation and the bottom line was she was smoking pot and hanging out with a dirt bag boyfriend that the family never met She was an A student who went to an F in a short period of time. She hit her mother several times and then slammed her fathers hand in the bedroom door and broke it. her little brother called the cops and she was arrested for assault. That is what it took to for her to get a clue...One night locked up in juvie and an appearance before a judge with ordered anger management therapy and community service for her and the whole family eventually went to therapy. Your daughter needs tough love and a rude awakening! But one big positive you have on your side is she is young yet! Nip this in the bud before she is of legal age. Good luck and please keep us all here posted we really do care!!!!!
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Cira mom
Posts:
1
From:
EAST US
Registered:
10/5/11
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(665 of 791)
Oct 5, 2011 5:30 AM
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I feel so bad for you. What a mess! There was a Doctor Phil show a few years ago about this and he suggested remove priledges. Even down to no door and a mattress on the floor. Our kids have been over pampered. And our over parenting had made them weak to coping. You've got to toughen her up. Maybe a bit of a boot camp. If she threatens to run away- she'll be back. Who in their right mind would tolerate her #*^% other than a loving mother. Eventually her sisters will abandon her too. Just prepare yourself that she may run to a boyfriend's house-and you know what happens there. My daughter was getting so wild I was looking into an Amish boot camp to show her what real hard living is. Be strong. You may have to sacrfice one to save the family- the real manipulation she is doing is to make you jump.You can't kill yourself and ruin the other kids because the oldest can't behave. She'll bring you all down.
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giftedlife02
Posts:
1
From:
East US
Registered:
10/3/11
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(664 of 791)
Oct 3, 2011 11:45 AM
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Would like to post some information and ask some advice. My 14 year old daughter had always, and I THINK still feels sweet and kind to others and mostly grateful for the life she has. Starting in the grade, she lying came to the surface both at home and school. She has had some disciplinary intervention in school and has been seeing a counselor for almost a year. She does take some meds for ADD in past year as well. She seems to want to do well in school, home and socially most of the time. But in the past 18 mos. she can turn into a child we can hardly recognize. Monthly cycles aside, her behavior can be quite chilling for my husband and I to observe, and some other family members. She is defiant, non-communicative and almost abusive in her emotional and verbal response to our boundary setting and privilege adjustments accordingly. I feel she can even be a little spoiled and do feel myself giving in and TO , to keep the peace, and bring her back. At times, she frightens me, I am sorry to say. She has Anger, that is rearing its ugly head mostly in the past few years. She was never a tantrum child, but has low levels of frustration. There are times, that NO Consequences we tell her may come bother her AT ALL. It feels like a child without a conscience sometimes. That she would sacrifice family, friends, pets, privileges, you name it, to stone-wall us with silence. Not threats penetrate her armor. She took me by surprise and hit me one day. More and more, I feel fear around her when we discipline. We love her dearly, and when the clouds part, she looks and feels so sweet and normal, we almost think what we witnessed was CRAZY. Any suggestions to start with? I am slowly feeling more and more like I don't like my own child and I feel like I do not know how to parent this child. Thanks.
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SuperMom
Posts:
15
Registered:
9/8/11
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(663 of 791)
Sep 27, 2011 8:44 PM
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> I too am a single mom of 5. My oldest two that are teenagers feels that they know it all. I just recently had to finally tell my 15 year old, "fine, you can't follow rules, move out." My s/o and I (whom we live with) tried our best to accommodate with her, it's funny parents aren't supposed to work with the kids, kids are supposed to work with the parents. But per counseling, work with her. So we did. We had set up rules and less expectation to balance. The less drama around the house the better. We have 15, 11, 7, and 6 year olds in the house. The 17 is off to college. My 15 year old likes to push her limit, she would tell lies and come up with constant excuses why she can't come home on time and constantly missed school. She missed half of her semester last year, so she started home schooling and I had to quit my job to be her couch . I have to constantly push her with school, wake her up, ask her to clean her room, do homework. If I didn't push, it will not get done. The more I push the more she slacked on things and it turns into this big fight.
> She hates school and our home. Nothing else matters but her relationship. She would drop everything for this girl, I mean everything. She's gay, which we have accepted. It is her attitude that I cannot accept. She moved out as of today. Sometimes we have to let them go to realize that they don't know everything and that life isn't so bad. Especially EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT. I am sad, but at the same time, there are also 3 younger ones in our home. We need to show a good example to them. It is not okay to walk all over your parents, not have education, and to think that you can still live at home to be supported. If we did, the other kids will think it's okay and the cyle continues. Hello "5kidsand2areteens," I applaud your "tough" love skills!!! I totally understand having to protect those that are watching how you "deal" with the (15) year old too! Believe me, they are watching it all and taking notes.... I am not certain what your laws are regarding parents "kicking" out/children moving out of the home.... However, here in FL, you can not willingly "kick" your child out/child can not willingly move out, until the age of (18).. If you do, you can be arrested for child neglect and aiding in the truant behavior of a minor etc... (reference missing days of school).... Florida's legal age of majority is 18. FRC: Title 1 Chapter 1. The exceptions are marriage and enlistment in the military at 17, both of which require parental permission. If there is a legitimate reason for leaving (such as abuse), the teen can contact state social services to aid him in his situation. I hope that all begins to smooth out for you now... If you have not checked... You probably should ensure you have not broken any "civil/criminal" laws.... Other than that, IT SOUNDS GREAT!!!! I wish your family much JOY & PEACE!!! ;0) 
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(662 of 791)
Sep 22, 2011 5:53 AM
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Hey Supermom! Thanks for the words of encouragement!!! And Yes I do realize all these people only know what she has told them. I told her that years ago! I said to her how can you allow these people to say all these things when they don;t even know your father and i? She didnt care. And it was the same with this ass she is married to. We had er met him once 2 yrs previously and one day she comes home and tells us she is marrying him. So I said well your 29 years old and old enough to make your own choices but do youthink we can meet him again? We had met him once 2 years earlier and then for the next 2 years all he did was verbally abuse her and break her heart and that is all I ever heard about him. So We were surprised when she told us she was marrying him because we had no clue she was even seeing him. (she had her own Apt) But he told her NO His mother told him he didnt need to meet us again. So this was a night mare from day one and continued to get worse. His mother and Him cut me and MY husband completely out of the wedding because they said it was none of our business. His Mother did the same thing when her daughter gotr married she told every one that it was none of the grooms mother's business and she managed to turn her son in law against his mother too. They dont want any outsiders in their coccon and I have watched my daughter over the years think just like they all do. All my hard work of what I taught her down the drain like dirty sink water. But yes Ultimately it is her doing these things. She is so afraid of losing her husband and that family she sacrificed her own. But she also sees what they do to you if you cross them. Because that very groom they helped throw his mother under the bus is now getting divorced from their daughter and the only person who stuck by his side when all was said and done is HIS MOTHER. My daughter is terrified of getting on their bad side but ya know what that is no Excuse for her behavior! Not at 38 years old. If she was early a teen or early 20's I could cut her some slack but I cannot anymore. We have moved on we have even changed our will because Charities deserve it more then she does, It is still new to me but in another 4 months Im sure It will be old and hoepfully on my mind less and less. IM so Glad I found this Forum it helps to know I am not alone but sometimes I still feel bad because most of these problems her are with Teens and I was teen so I can relate But at 38 and really my whole life including today I always respected my parents and did what I could for them and Believe me my mom was a real winner at times but I never stopped talking to her we would fight and in a few hours all was forgotten because she is my mother plain and simple. And I am at the Nursing home every other day now and I do her laundry 2x a week and I am there every holiday. MY daughter doesnt even acknowledge my mother on Mothers Day no Card No visit or any holiday. Last Christmas was the first time in 8 years she wenton a holiday to see my mother. Other wise she shows up maybe 3x a year. And we all live near each other and the nursing home so it isnt like its a long drive. And she was and still is the apple of my mothers eye and she knows this! So Yes Once again She is responsible for that behavior and it makes me insane! I just keep praying to God to give me strength and please help me to not have another Stroke once was enough and it took so much away from me and I was just feeling strong before all this BS started. Sometimes I think she wants me to be weak again.... Horrible when you start believe your own flesh and blood would rather see you down!
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Edited by CaraBoo13 at 09/23/2011 9:31 AM EDT
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Edited by CaraBoo13 at 09/23/2011 9:35 AM EDT
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gbwillia
Posts:
1
From:
Ontario
Registered:
9/21/11
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(661 of 791)
Sep 21, 2011 6:32 PM
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CBC had a podcast on September 19th on this very same topic. I listened to it in it's entirety because I too have problems with my teen daughter.
I guarantee that who ever listens to this podcast, will find it extremely helpful in understanding their relationship with their teenage child and how to deal with issues.
I felt like I had taken the biggest VALIUM after listening to this podcast...I felt calm and sane for the very first time in KNOWING what to do and HOW to work with Teenagers - no matter how problematic they may seem to you.
Monday September 19, 2011
Author of "You're Ruining My Life! (But Not Really)"
Therapist Jennifer Kolari says the constant "I love you's" and "I hate you's" are confusing, but manageable. Hear her advice on how to get beyond fighting with your teens was recorded by CBC - please see link below.
Copy and past the below link into your browser:
"You're Ruining My Life! (But Not Really)"
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5kidsand2areteens
Posts:
2
Registered:
9/21/11
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(660 of 791)
Sep 21, 2011 1:13 PM
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*COACH* haha, darn auto spell.
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5kidsand2areteens
Posts:
2
Registered:
9/21/11
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(659 of 791)
Sep 21, 2011 1:09 PM
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I too am a single mom of 5. My oldest two that are teenagers feels that they know it all. I just recently had to finally tell my 15 year old, "fine, you can't follow rules, move out." My s/o and I (whom we live with) tried our best to accommodate with her, it's funny parents aren't supposed to work with the kids, kids are supposed to work with the parents. But per counseling, work with her. So we did. We had set up rules and less expectation to balance. The less drama around the house the better. We have 15, 11, 7, and 6 year olds in the house. The 17 is off to college. My 15 year old likes to push her limit, she would tell lies and come up with constant excuses why she can't come home on time and constantly missed school. She missed half of her semester last year, so she started home schooling and I had to quit my job to be her couch . I have to constantly push her with school, wake her up, ask her to clean her room, do homework. If I didn't push, it will not get done. The more I push the more she slacked on things and it turns into this big fight.
She hates school and our home. Nothing else matters but her relationship. She would drop everything for this girl, I mean everything. She's gay, which we have accepted. It is her attitude that I cannot accept. She moved out as of today. Sometimes we have to let them go to realize that they don't know everything and that life isn't so bad. Especially EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT. I am sad, but at the same time, there are also 3 younger ones in our home. We need to show a good example to them. It is not okay to walk all over your parents, not have education, and to think that you can still live at home to be supported. If we did, the other kids will think it's okay and the cyle continues.
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SuperMom
Posts:
15
Registered:
9/8/11
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(658 of 791)
Sep 20, 2011 9:49 PM
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> AMEN ONCE AGAIN SUPER MOM!!! AVR1962 I am right where you are! When you described your daughter you just described mine . And David97 I had to read her facebook page just to know what was happening in her life other wise I knew nothing. One day I look and My picture was removed from my daughters Facebook where it used to be with the word Mother under it identifying me...
>  But I got the message loud and clear. If you look back at my old posts on here a few weeks ago 8 years of abuse and head games from Her and Her husband and HIS FAMILY. 8 years of them spreading lies and controlling my daughter and turning her into this alien! But She must want it since she allowed it. And I finally knew I had to chose her or me. Because she was living her life every day in Peace and Mine was in total turmoil over a broken heart and shock at the things she has done, did and continued to do and say. Now Im not saying Iam fine I am better. She is my only child and It is killing me especially since we had a wonderful relationship until this parasite she is married to walked into her life. I could deal with one but not a whole family of parasites. We are out numbered and it is a losing battle and one I feel my husband and I shouldn't even have to deal with since we were a very happy loving family for all those years. So it is Now 4 months we have not spoken and judging by our last contact I doubt we will ever speak again. And along with Us My daughter has thrown my mom her 92 year old grandmother under the bus too! She was the Love of My moms life too and My mom gave my daughter her last penny on her wedding day . $10,000.00 for a wedding gift and my daughter cannot be bothered to go visit my mom in the nursing home but maybe once every 4 months if we are lucky. She has lost all morals and values we instilled in her and it sickenz me. But I am done I refuse to get sick even tho i have my days and I just had a bad weekend with a raise in Blood pressure that almost sent me to the hospital but I just took some extra meds and tried to calm down. I had one stroke 8 years ago and Im sure her family would love for me to have another and be gone out of the picture. Rest assured Pure eveil does exist and it lives in Howell NJ! So Pray keeps me going Im over the Anger the hurt i dont think Ill be over I hope I will: But it will take forever. Morning!!! (CaraBoo13) I truly appreciate having the opportunity to correspond with all of you!! It has helped me so much! After reading your latest post, I felt compelled to share a little something with you... I use to blame everyone/anyone but my daughter for the actions of my daughter... It seemed easier to place the blame on them... "Because my daughter could never do these things to me, say these things about me, respond this way to me!!" Right???  Well, I had to realize that my daughter (illness, or not) is in control of her actions, responses, etc. etc. It is not the people that are "in her ear," hanging around, living with, etc. etc. Before my daughter's friends etc... there has always been ME!!! My daughter knows... Your daughter knows... If anything, the daughters (mine/yours) have poisoned the minds of the other people who TRULY do not know... How can these people speak about you/I when they know nothing about you/I? The information (screwed, dramatized, fictitiously & maliciously contrived) came from the little ones that we have loved, sacrificed for, and nurtured for many years... Give credit where credit is due... I beleive in telling it like it is and embracing the "ugly & hurtful" truths of the world.. Our daughters have chosen the lives that they lead... It is time that we choose to allow them to live those lives... separate... from ours... Remember, they (daughters) have chosen it!!! We are just allowing it to be so...In PEACE!!! We do not need, or have to continue the "pull/push" relationship anylonger.... I have chosen and it seems as though you too have chosen to let go... I am happy with that decision!!! I truly hope that you are as well!!! I am happy to read that you and your husband have decided to let things be... It will be a much lighter load moving forward... I will pray that your health stabilizes and that your spirits remain high! You must get your blood pressure under control!!! One of the best ways to accomplish this is by STAYING CLAM!!!  I know that at times it is easier said than done... But, when your life depends on it, it makes it a whole lot easier to do!!! I send much PEACE & LOVE your way!! "God is...... our everything!!!" Embrace him, as he embraces you!!!
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SuperMom
Posts:
15
Registered:
9/8/11
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(657 of 791)
Sep 20, 2011 9:02 PM
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> It breaks my heart to read these posts and I can relate to each and every one of them. I have a daughter that is now 43 years old and she has recently returned to me all of her picture she had on her walls of me. That kinda tells me she is erasing me as her mother. Welcome!!! (david97)  I am certain that this must break your heart... I feel your sadness as I read the words... What comes to me right now to share with you is just this...... "You can NEVER be ERASED!!!! YOUR blood flows through you & your daughter each and everyday!!! YOU ARE HERE!!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!! YOU MATTER!!!! YOU ARE NECESSARY!!!! Most importantly, YOU ARE LOVED!!!" PLEASE!!!! NEVER FORGET THIS!!!! You need to know that you are here for a purpose... You have done your job as a parent... You have reared your daughter to adulthood and now........ It is time (past time) to let her go... She is (43) now.... You have to live the rest of your life for you now!!! She is spending the rest of her days smiling, loving, laughing, living, talking, etc.etc. You too can do the same... Joy resides within!!  It truly does!!! Who are you??? Not for me to know... This is for you to know and embrace... Are you who she says that you are???? Not for me to answer... This is another question for you to answer..... Do you want to live a life of peace & joy??? Once again this is an "all you" question/answer period... You must embrace your truth!!! Who YOU are & what YOU want out of life!!! You have the tools to get this done!!! I know that it hurts.... Feel it, embrace it, NOW!!!! Let it go and LIVE!!!! God heals ALL pain!!!This I know is true!!! I have tried him for myself!!! But, you must be willing to RELEASE the ANGER & PAIN! The Pain & Anger, at times, becomes like a security blanket... The ANGER prevents you from feeling the PAIN/HURT FEELINGS ... They work hand and hand... Once you make it through the ANGER phase, you will be able to get onto/past the HURT phase.... Then you will be really moving towards happiness & peace... It will require some work on your behalf... But, God will enable & equip you with the tools to get the job done... DO NOT!!!! keep returning to the (daughter) fountain of pain & strife... Each time you return for another heaping cup of bitterness & strife, it pushes your RECOVERY back!!! Yes, RECOVERY!!! Pain becomes addicting after enduring it for so long... It is high time that you kick the "pain" habit & get to living, loving, & laughing again.... The first step is admitting that you have an issue, the second step is attempting to do something about it... Where are you in the journey??? I will PRAY for you as you PRAY for yourself!!! Please ask God for the wisdom and strength required to make it through this journey!! He will provide!!! "Love & Peace to you!!! ;0)
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