I do hope you did not reply to such a rude and disrespectful email. Your daughter needs to know what it like to not have you involved in her life. Let her be without your shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to. If she calls, don't answer the phone. If she is still in the house, find a way to keep yourself busy and avoid her. I had something very similiar happen with my stepsons and I just refused to go to their lies and accusations. I have come to the conclusion that we each see what we want to see and trying to let her know what you ahve been thru and how you feel will not be heard by your daughter. I don't think she wants to hear your side, not does she want to feel compassion for you right now. It sounds to me that she is trying to find her own way in the world and doesn't feel you have any say in what she does. Let her learn the hard way, let her fall on her face. Take yourself out of the role of being responsible for her. The more emotionally detach, the less you will feel obligated to fix and will cause yourself so much less heartache in the long run. My oldes daughter (28) and my 2 stepsons (25 & 27) put me thru the wringers......I did as you said in your post and I too gave them all (5 kids total) the best of me, to the point of sacraficing my needs. I life was my kids, my home, my marriage and I too ended up so hurt by all the harsh words, the hatred, the false accusations of abuse and not loving them. Little by little I have seperated from them and continue to do so even now. It's taken me a LONG time to find a life for myself that I do not feel guilty for not meeting my children's needs. But I am getting there. Even in the parent and child relationship there is no need for one-sidedness. If a friend of your treated you the way your daughter has and sent you an email like the one your daughter sent, would you have anything to do with that friend?

Annette

EH......I am so sorry to hear your news. I am a loss for words. Do take care of yourself and know you have loved ones thinking of you at this time.

I wanted to add to this, I also made the post about 12 year old daughter doing the self-piercing. For one, I had a lot of hard feelings towards my mom (I am 46), I created a hero image of my father and it was until many years into my adult life that I could understand my mom and see my dad for who he was. I have read on this subject and moms are giving a tough road. I too was a divorced mom, first husband left me with my 2 oldest daughters who are now 23 & 28. I ahve a very good, close relationship with my 23 year old but it has been a rocky road for my 28 year and I. She adored her father. He cheated, would not work, did not ay child support so I cleaned houses for a living to try and keep a roof over our heads. My daughter still cannot understand the struggles I went thru as a result of her father's actions. He was not an involved father and she sought him out once she was old enough, lives just 20 miles from him. He has told her so many lies about the past trying to manipulate and sway her feelings towards us both and becuase she can't bare the idea of being abandoned again she clings to his every word, it is real sad but there is nothign I can do about it. She has blamed me for so much and I busted my tail for her. My youngest daughter is 12 and I have been with her dad for 20 years. Husband is not one to say, "let's go do this" whereas I am. I have been available and husband not so much and I see my youngest seeking the attention for her father that she desires. She knows I am there, she knows I will forgive. I think we get targetted by our children as they find us safe....they know we love them.

Annette

Dear Maureen,

I want to extend a heart-felt THANK YOU to YOU for your kindness and compassion to the mothers and fathers that have written about losing the love of their daughters. You have been extremely kind and patient and there truly could be no better moderator than you! Thank you sooo much Maureen!!

Love,
Charlee

My daughter has not been adopted but has been sexually abused by her father at a very young age. She is also exactly as you described your daughter. No emotion over the family splitting or any emotion at all. Very manipulaive

She was under the age of 2 when I learnt of the abuse so she doesn't have recollection on the surface. It did go to court but was found to be without enough evidence.

He just sorta went away 12 years ago. Well recently he found her by searching the web and contacted the school principal who let me know. I informed her that he was wanting to see her. She didn't really react or want to talk about it.

Oh my, yes the Lord. I do have faith that even this will work out for good since yes I do love Him. My mothers heart is just so broken

I have been on my own with my 16 year old daughter since she was born. Never had a boyfriend, I don't smoke or drink and have lived a good pattern before her as a woman.
Prior to age 9, she was very gentle and soft hearted. She had a hard time with friends. For years she was alone and this broke her heart as well as mine. We all have choices on how we will handle the rough times that life throughs us. Some people become more compasssionate and help others, some harden, well she hardend.
By age 12, she had begun to loose respect for me and started pushing me away.
By 14, she had become very silent and wouldn't do a thing I asked, she thought she was the perfect child since she didn't have a boyfriend, smoke or drink but she was beginning to despise me. She saw me a weak since I was also quite gentle hearted and easily hurt. She began to look at me as if I were wierd.

I started doing counselling since everything I tried with her wouldn't work. And trust me, I have very good parenting skills and have never ever lied to her or been a hypocrite.

The other night after days of silence, I finally told her to leave. She is with a friend, this is hard so hard but I won't allow her to bully me.
She had been warned and told that this was going to be the result but she made some hard decisions over the years at who she wanted to be.

She must blame me for all those years she spent alone. I don't know and am past the point of caring. Unfortunate for her, she could have had it so good. She will only get back what she has given to me from her own children. She judges so unjustly and thinks that she is so strong but we all fall eventually and see that we and everyone else is just human trying to do the best they can but by than it will be too late as in my own case, my mother died the year before my one and only child was born.

Oh how I would love to tell my mom what a great mother she was.

MarieorHenry,

No one should have to go through what you've been through. It breaks my heart to read about your situation. That you have stood by your daughter since birth and fought to keep her, by knowing that you would have to suffer so much ... you must be an angel. You did the best you could with the circumstances handed to you. I know that what you're going through hurts terribly and I wish I could change things for you. Take comfort in knowing that you did your best and that you still desire to love, help and support your daughter. We love our little girls, but when they grow up they have the freedom to become who and whatever they choose to be. She's young and she will make mistakes, but don't give up. Go about your life and keep the door open for your daughter. Let her know that the door is always open and that you love her. Time may change her views. The more accepting you are, the more you allow her her own choices (she knows what's right and wrong ... let her choose), the more loving you will seem to her. Pick your battles carefully with her and try not to let her walk on you. I have a daughter that feels she can walk all over me and I have had to learn to peacefully tell her that I love her, but I will not allow her to abuse me. I have made sure she knows how much I love her and want the best for her, and like you I have apologized for things I have not done just to appease her. Regardless of whether I have done what she claims or not, I still have apologized because "she" feels the way she does, and I want to remove the pain that she is feeling. Still with this, I do not let her walk on me. My daughter may never open her heart to me, but to make her feel comfortable so that she can open her heart to me (if she chooses to), I go out of my way to be peaceful, kind and loving with her. When she is cruel, I tell her that I do not deserve such behavior, that I love her, but that we'll have to talk some other time when she can be kinder. She hates this, but these are my rules. I wish the very best for you!! You are not alone in this, and I want you to know that I care about you and your situation.

Charlee

Hello everyone, I feel like I have been searching the internet for months trying to find an answer that will make the tears stop and I just can't seem to find one. I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who was going through this and I came upon this site and was hoping to get some advice so here goes...

At the age of 18 I got pregnant with a little girl. At 3 months her father and his parents decided he would be a better member of society if he had finished school so they stated that he would no longer be raising her but they would ensure that they provided enough financial support so that she would not go hungry. Low and behold they did not stick to their agreement and I had to sue for childsupport. As the years went on and she grew older he and his family started calling her on the phone and I even agreed to let her go visit. Then her behavior went down hill. She started shoplifting, cursing, cutting class, she was kicked out of 2 schools. Then the fights started. We would have screaming battles and fist fights. One day she walked around the house breaking mirrors and ripping pages out of the Bible that was given to her for her Baptismal. Because of her shoplifting she was order to go to therapy by the judge but she refused to speak to the therapist unless they bought her arts and supplies. I found my migraine capsules under her bed open and emptied along with my asthma inhalers under her bed empty. When she turned 14 I had decided to marry the man whom I had been dating since she was 6. At first things went great with the two of them and then her report card came with all "E"s on it so he started a study rule in which he would sit with her and our other 2 children for 1 hour every night to do homework. She got upset and pulled a steak knife out and said he was not her dad and he "better back off" low and behold we ended up back in court, this time PFA court because my husband filed one against her. He was ultimately asked to move out (we had only been married for 8 months). He and I decided we where not going to let this end our marriage so we started going to dinner and marriage counseling. We tried family counseling but the therapist felt we needed to talk before we brought in the kids. When she found out we where seeing each other she ran away from home. The police eventually brought her back and I ended up sending her to live with her dad. Since then her grades have not improved, she is now allowed to date and I have even had to fight with her and her dad to take half nude pictures off of the site Myspace. On her myspace every other word is the "F" word. When I talk to her dad about this he says its a teen thing and thats how she chooses to express herself that we can force her to be any other way. She has not returned any of my calls in the past 2 weeks and her dad says that if I where a teenage boy she would call and that I should not worry when she needs me she will call. I feel so lost and helpless and I don't know what to do. I have 2 son's (only one is her biological half brother, the other is her step brother)she doesn't call either of them and neither of them call, ask or even talk about her. This is not how I imagined my family to be and I don't even know where it went wrong. I don't feel that I get any help from therapy because every time I explain what has happened it seems that my husband and therapist get angry with her and think that I am setting myself up for heartache. Everyone seems to think that it's time for me to wash my hands of her and step aside until she is ready to mature up. I am just so afraid that she is going to end up pregnant or worse. My mind says they are right but my heart tells me that it is abandonment. She is going to be 16 this year and is still in the 8th grade, I brought her home for Thanksgiving but she left every morning and came back every night. Everytime I told her to stay home with the family she said that I couldn't make her so I had to send her back to her dads early. She wants me to come visit for spring break but only if I bring one of her girlfriends so since she isn't answering my calls I had to send a text message letting her know I can't make it. I don't know what to do or what else to say. I don't even feel like this is my daughter, I don't know who she is.