please someone help me!!!! i have a 14 13 and 11 year old girls. things are fine between my 2 youngest but my oldest is a different story. i cant tell her anything that she doesn't blow up at me. when that happens i get upset and it goes down hill from there, what should i do please help
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maggar
Posts:
11
From:
miami
Registered:
1/8/12
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(761 of 791)
Jan 16, 2012 12:24 PM
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Thanks guys. It helps!!
Its double hard when your partner works against you every step of the way! My wife is an enabler of the worse kind and she never disciplined my daughter EVER! When I tried to I was just the bad guy!
She thinks she can say and do anything she wants even though we help her as a college student. She really isn't all that nice to her mother as well. But I get the brunt of it. But I will not allow the disrespect anymore, I won't!!!
I try to be such a loving, caring, concerned father, really!! How many kids would die to have a father like me?
I could see if I was a drunk, wife beating, child beating, sexually abusive dad! But, I am none of those. I have provide a loving stable home. I am not perfect by any means, but who is? Lets see how this plays out!
THANK YOU MY FRIENDS!!
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(760 of 791)
Jan 16, 2012 8:56 AM
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By taking yourself out of the situation you are demonstrating you've reached your boundary. I still think older kids need to know where the boundaries lie. If you can - and it's easier said than done - be true to the boundaries you have set.
I LOVE THAT PHILOSOPHY!!!!
This so true! I know I reached mine!!! And yes Kids no matter how old need to know that WE ARE STILL THEIR PArents and COMMAND the Same RESPECT Grown adult children want out in the world! They need to learn to get respect no matter what age you still must earn it first!!! And Yes WE are programed to pick them up when they fall. Now its time to remove the training wheels from the bike and let it rip! Come what may!!!!!!! Stand Firm Maggar and Like jenny said keep coming here to vent!! WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!!! XOXOXO
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CaraBoo13
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jennym
Posts:
10
From:
UK
Registered:
1/8/12
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(759 of 791)
Jan 16, 2012 7:07 AM
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Maggar, I really feel for you!
When they are little kids and they make mistakes, we step in, wipe away their tears, and cover the hurt with a bandaid.
We watch our babies toddle off knowing they will fall over and bump their heads. It's hard to stand back and let them learn - but we know that it's the only way. We are programmed to catch them when they fall.
But as an adult, and you have to come to terms with your daughter being an adult, her mistakes can be expensive and sometimes permanent.
God knows why they have to learn the hard way?
Maybe your wife is thinking that if the communication channels are open, at least your daughter can approach her when she comes to her senses?
Unfortunately what you are going through is not unusual. But boy does it hurt! Your daughter is your little girl.
I'm coming to the conclusion that my daughter has hated me for years.... that really does hurt. But it was my destructive narcissistic ex that fed her the BS! Because of my current problem with my daughter, I have learnt that it hadn't been my fault. If we'd be still bumbling along, I'd still be absorbing the guilt. Maybe some good has come out of our argument?
Who's got the answers? I don't know, but I am trying to learn - I read an article by a psychologist who said she believes that 1 in 20 people does not have empathy for others! That rang quite a few bells.
By taking yourself out of the situation you are demonstrating you've reached your boundary. I still think older kids need to know where the boundaries lie. If you can - and it's easier said than done - be true to the boundaries you have set.
CaraBoo is quite right - your daughter has caused her own problems, and she has to learn how to get out of it.
Where is it written that parents have to pick up the mess? Being an adult comes with responsibility.
Hold fast and vent on this forum - you're among kindred friends.
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hadenough1
Posts:
9
Registered:
1/11/12
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(758 of 791)
Jan 15, 2012 12:29 PM
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Hey Maggar. I agree with CaraBoo. Stick to your guns -so to speak. Yes it is going to be hard but what did you do to create her mess? I would guess nothing. She needs to wake up, don't pay her bills, return to sender and get you other half onside if possible. I am really tired of these others in our live blming us for their mistakes and guilt and then turning on the charm when it all gets to much for them. She may be in debt but it is her choice.
Do take care
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(757 of 791)
Jan 15, 2012 10:36 AM
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Whew Ok Maggar! Take a deep breath my friend andcontinue to step back! Your daughter created this situation and If it were me Id just watch the circus fromn the corner. She is An adult at 18 let the school the apartment go after her for the money! Id take that letter and bill and Return it to the school and say not at this address. Then Id send them her new address for billing!Time to learn a Life Learning Lesson for her HOPEFULLY!!!!! You tried! Now all you can do is hope she gets a clue! On the upside She is young so I am holding out hope for her that she will get a clue in a few years! All you can do is maybe be ready to be there to pick up the pieces when she finally falls and hits rock bottom. And Ya Know Being a hurt parent doesnt make you horrible if you arent able to do that ! So Kick back sip some excellent wine and just watch the chaos prevail. Because I think this show has only just begun and its going to get uglier!!! Please keep us posted You know we are all here for you!!! I dont know If my advice is the right one But it is how I would handle it. Chin Up My friend HANG TOUGH!
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CaraBoo13
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Edited by CaraBoo13 at 01/15/2012 1:37 PM EST
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maggar
Posts:
11
From:
miami
Registered:
1/8/12
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(756 of 791)
Jan 15, 2012 6:19 AM
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Well, I have stepped back! I have not spoke to my wife and daughter in two weeks. Its like watching a train wreck coming right at you and there is nothing you can do
. My 18 year old knows everything, I know nothing. My wife does nothing!
Now my daughter as left college( on line class for now) moved in with her loser boyfriend in a dump! Almost lost her license to drive because of tickets.
Yesterday we got a letter from her school that she owes 3600 dollars for skipping out on her apartment( which I told her would happen). My GOD ! What's next. She is making such stupid decisions that I can't believe it! She now will have thousands of dollars in student loans and bad credit at 18 years old!! Living in a home with mold!! What the hell happened? I give up man!! Good luck!
I love her so much and want the best for her but how much can a person take!
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Edited by maggar at 01/15/2012 6:22 AM PST
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jennym
Posts:
10
From:
UK
Registered:
1/8/12
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(755 of 791)
Jan 14, 2012 10:41 PM
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Great! Thanks for making contact, have sent both of you an email!
Please let me know if you don't get it.
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hadenough1
Posts:
9
Registered:
1/11/12
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(754 of 791)
Jan 14, 2012 2:47 PM
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Thanks Jennym
Email address on its way.
Thank CarBoo for suggesting it
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(753 of 791)
Jan 14, 2012 11:10 AM
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Thanks Jenny I sent you my email!!!
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jennym
Posts:
10
From:
UK
Registered:
1/8/12
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(752 of 791)
Jan 14, 2012 7:32 AM
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Hi CaraBoo This link will get me.... http://canallife.co.uk/contactus.html Think this is the easiest way to keep spam out. Just fill in the form and I will collect the email. If anyone else would like to use this to make contact, please feel free! Jenny |
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(751 of 791)
Jan 14, 2012 6:41 AM
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JennyM Sound to me like your daughter is being controlled! Just like mine! My daughter would mow me down or anyone else if he said to do it. To keep from losing him and his precious family! These girls have self esteem issues and these Morons constantly belittle them to keep them afraid of ending up alone. Now IM not justifying this. My daughter was raised to be a strong independent woman and I always told her how beautiful she was and smart and How proud we were of her. But the men in her life she picked weere all losers! All Bad boy images! The ones who worshipped the ground she walked on She kicked to the curb! In her entire teen and adult life she only had 3 serious long term relationships. ALL ABUSIVE! She married the last abusive a**hole! And this will be going on 9 years this year1 Actually 11 for her. She knew what him and his family were like for 2 years before the ring went on her finger. He hurt her unmercifilly long before they were engaged and she still chose to marry him I think A> Because she was 30 and every one else in the salon was married (moron) B> because he bought her the diamond ring I assume she wanted. Hard to tell ever since she hung with that family her taste in jewelry went from gold to Sterling Silver. Which I never knew All the expensive gold pieces I bought her.well god knows I guess she sold them! But they are controlled and unless they get a wake up call they will never see what we see! Just know we didnt do this we dont deserve this and find peace in that!  AS for me WEll The Dr called me and told me my blood tests were all fine except my calcium shot up in a month. I am not on supplements so Now I have to go for blood work to check my parathyroid gland. Which if you look up the symptoms of it I have close to the whole list. I hope this my answer even tho it would involve a small surgery to remove it. But if it is the worst thing I get Ill take it!!!!!!!!!! Pls Keep in touch I Look forward to talking to so many of you on here! Is there a way to share our email addresses With our putting them on the public site???? I dont think there is. |
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jennym
Posts:
10
From:
UK
Registered:
1/8/12
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(750 of 791)
Jan 13, 2012 10:11 PM
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CaraBoo, I'm sure you've been told it many times, but please do take care! Glad the cardiogram was okay.
Like most here, it is the bullying, manipulation and the disrespect that is so hard to bear. You just take it and take it, then one day, all of this abuse hits you and if you are like me, you wake up and think: How did things get to be so bad?
As mentioned before, my daughter was tangled up with another power mad control freak, they had my first granddaughter together. She is now 11 years. Then this 2nd husband appeared and he moved in with my daughter. He was in his late 30s, my granddaughter was 7. Looking back it's very clear what was happening, but I didn't see it at the time, he filled my daughter's home with pictures of his family, pictures of her side seemed to disappear. Loads and loads of stuff like that went on..... it would fill a book.
My daughter had to go into hospital and I hail-tailed it to her home to look after my granddaughter....I've been told I'm am sick, but this guy used to walk about in his underwear and fiddle! - even I was embarrassed.... I just didn't want to take any chances. But I kept my opinions to myself and just observed.
Last time I was in their home, my granddaughter and her step-father were joking about his balls! Tell me I'm old-fashioned if you like - but I didn't know what men's balls were till I was dating my ex when I was 18. The joke was completely inappropriate between a man of 40 and an 11 year old girl!
She even accused him in a joke of being a paedophile! I know kids joke... but it's not easy listening.
I've heard this step-father yelling at my granddaughter just like he would yell at the men on the building site. One day he was only in the house 5 minutes before he was yelling at her to get upstairs saying that he didn't like the way she was looking at him! He's a big man, I would crumble if he verbally attacked me too!
The next day my granddaughter said he always yells at her like that. She had me listen to a recording she had taped on her cell phone of a conversation her mother had with her step-father. The recording was awful... her mother (ashamed to say my daughter) was really badmouthing my granddaughter. I wouldn't like to hear anyone say such things about me, let alone a 10 year old (as she was at the time).
It just floored me when my granddaughter said that the courts doesn't allow her to see her own father and he has never raised his voice to her like her step-father had! She asked if I thought she should phone the 'Childline', she had the phone number memorised! I just said that they are there to help children and if she felt she wanted to contact them, then I'm certain they would listen.
Loads of other stuff went on...
The fuse was lit and was smouldering... I was told I was sick, etc.
Am I dramatic? Am I sick?
I just feel my daughter totally lacks any empathy for others - so long as her needs are fulfilled, she's fine!
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(749 of 791)
Jan 13, 2012 7:31 AM
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Yes hadenough! They are holding our hearts hostage But we are fighting back and saying NO MORE!!!!!! And Yep we are moving on. I think it will take a long time to let go of the hurt and anger and betrayal we feel But we are smart enough to continue to move forward! My husband and I changed our will and specifically cut her out by name! Even tho I honestly believe I will not hear from her again so it doesnt matter. She could care less about any inheiritance but I dont trust the parasite of a husband! But It will be a cold day in hell before I ever throw out the olive branch! I have had to throw it out several times in the last 8 years. She never once made the attempt! WEll She can go straight to He*L! I am thru! I will not be abused and humilated any more. She is in a verbally abusive relationship and she can keep it! Let her find a new victim to abuse because I owe her nothing! I am Done and so is my husband! He said for what she has done to me he can never forgive her. And Knowing him like I do he means it!
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hadenough1
Posts:
9
Registered:
1/11/12
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(748 of 791)
Jan 13, 2012 4:00 AM
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It might be just me but isn't this abuse, bullying and manipulation??
They have us exactly where they want us by using others, words or withholding. Not fair or wanted.
My husband says again ( she has done this before) she will be back. But I am sorry I am moving on to do all the things I have wanted to do and put on hold to support, love, care for,educate, spend lots of money on others. It is now my time and I am going to become very very selfish/ self indulged.
Watch out world. I am certainly not going to be sitting around waiting for the phone call.
That is it, they always expect us to be waiting for them when and if every they decide to communicate with us again
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CaraBoo13
Posts:
60
From:
North East
Registered:
8/30/11
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(747 of 791)
Jan 12, 2012 6:57 AM
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OOPs sorry I didnt bother to preview what I wrote! Correction I am sure it is STRESS! And I had a cardigram which was normal But I think I will see my cardioligist to play it safe!! I have !Several mistakes but you all know what I mean!!!  oxoxxo |
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