To Tulasc and all you other good mums out there........I've stopped crying now. Why? because I've remembered something . And the something I've remembered is that I WAS HERE FIRST. In other words, I was alive before I MADE my kids. The way I see it now is my kids have two choices. They can be kind and respectful to me, their mother, their ONLY mother, or this standoff will continue. Us mothers start the 'bonding' process with our kids when they are born. It's like an invisible steel thread that connects us to them. No matter where they are in the world or how far away they are from us there is still that connection. No matter how hard they try to break that connection we will always be their mothers. When my own Mother died I felt as though my life support system had been cut off. In many ways I realised that she was probably the only person who had truly loved me. Unconditionally.And one day my kids will realise that that's what they had with me, and realise how foolish they were to sever that vital lifelong support. So, ladies, hold your heads up, they might be your kids but they ain't worth dying for just because they think their Mothers are'nt worth knowing anymore.

I'm on board with you Oakie in OK! !

It is so sad when you put all your emotions and time and efforts in to raising childen and have them drop kick it back in your face. I feel that sometimes I have absorbed all the guilt for the problems in my relationship with my daughter, because I am from a generation that takes responsibility and knows how to feel remorse and apologize. My youngest daughter, on the other hand, is from a generation that likes to guilt trip everyone else for their failures and faults. I came to this website out of sheer desperation. I was shocked when I put in the question" why does my daughter hate me?" and found these posts and a full forum of other parents going through the same things. This leads me to believe that there is a true epidemic and the cure for it is not our self blame, or coddling of these immature sociopaths, or ending our lives and robbing the ones that care for us of our place in their lives. Our best bet is to grow a backbone and get our big girl panties on and when they push, we push back. if our homes are so bad, sleep on the street. If our love is unacceptable, go out in the world and pull your crap and see how much love and tolerance you find there. I, myself, am sick of my panic attacks, guilt, and suicidal thoughts. I will no longer ALLOW her to hurt me.
Join with me MOMS. I challenge ME and US that each day that we go through without giving into to that behaviour, that we create a "Wall of surviving" (or maybe you have a better name),instead of a wall of shame or wall of blame. We can sit and suck our thumbs or get up and overcome it. We only get one time to pass through this life and there has to be something better than what we have been going through. How bout it?

Well, I too found this site by googling "my daughter hates me". And, she does. It's not a phase, I'm convinced of that. The only difference between my story and most others I've read on here, is my daughter hates me...and her father. Oh, and her brother. Her uncle, sometimes her aunt. (my sister who has betrayed me by acting as a "surrogate mom" for lack of a better word) She also hates my mother (which puzzles me because my mom helped create this monster that is my daughter). And, depending on the day, she hates her father's parents. (who also helped create this monster).

See, my daughter is the first girl in my husbands family for over 200 years. (my husband is an only son of an only son of an only son and so on). My daughter is also a product of teen parents (I was17 when I had her, my husband I married very young before she was born and will happily celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this month) So...my mother felt the need to "parent" her. So did my husband's parents. So did my much older sister. They always treated us as children raising a child, no matter how we matured in front of their very eyes. I went on to get my college degree. My husband always worked very hard. We had a mortgage by age 19 and live in a wonderful home with the best schools. We did it all pretty darn good. We had a son a couple of years after our daughter, then made the responsible decision to have a vasectomy to prevent further pregnancies so we could just focus on our two and giving them all that we could. I went on to work for a local surgeon's practice and we are very productive members of society.

Soooo....why does our daughter hate us? Well, I don't know. I know our parents kept fighting over her for her attention, for she is quiet beautiful and charismatic. She is what they wanted to have...or possibly wanted to be. And we weren't worthy to have such a prize. Yes...family dysfunction all over the place here!

Our daughter hated to be made to clean her room. She despised doing "work". After all, she reminded us daily that it was OUR (meaning my husband and I) house to clean...NOT HERS. She hated the curfews. She hated house rules. So much so she would run to our parents (the grands) and whine and moan. They, for some reason (I believe jealousy because our marriage is so great and they forever yelled at us that it would never work) would coddle our daughter and ganged up on us.

Now....they tried this with our son to a point, but he quickly let them know that we are his parents and he loves us and that his sister is a drama queen and they all needed to get over themselves. So, they have, for the most part, forgotten he exists. Which is a pain in my heart as well.

To pack in all that she has done to us...it would take days, upon days, to post. But in a summary of more recent events:

-I planned, and paid for, a wedding for her to guy we loathed, to make her happy, and she called off the wedding 5 days before the event.
-She found another man (mind you she was only 20 yrs old during all this) 4 months later and went skiing with him 2 months later and never came home. She wouldn't tell us where she lived either. (but grandmother knew and wouldn't tell us because she supports her lies, they are enablers)
-She married this guy 3 months later (with his mother planning and paying for everything totally robbing me of my place in this) All the while so ecstatic that her son found such a beautiful woman.
-They got pregnant shortly after, and had a son I hardly ever see. My own grandson doesn't know me.
-And this past Saturday, we went to their house to drop off his birthday gift........to find all of the family there grilling out and having a huge party for him.......and we weren't invited.

My husband just stood there at their little white picket fence, literally and figuratively, on the outside looking in, at all of them laughing and having this party. He's an only child mind you, and his parents are there, still condoning this behavior by our daughter. He was crushed.

In the past few years, my husband has fought cancer (Hodgkins in his 30's) and last year I had a heart attack at 41. She never blinked an eye about either of it. Her youngish parents have gone through hell and back and all she does it sits back and adds more drama and pain.

She never calls us, never wants to see us, she tells everyone that we are the problem. But our closest friends that have watched her grow up in our home know better. They remind us that she was raised just like their children and we've done nothing wrong, that its her with the problem. We know this is true, but isn't it pathetic that our friends are our only supporters (and our son) but our own parents, sister, ect...are not?

After this weekend, I contemplated suicide. I thought, since my heart is defective, my son grown now, my husband longs for his family, my own I've given up on, if I just end it all maybe, just maybe they'll have sympathy for him and let him back in the circle. I'll be at peace for once, and he's in remission, maybe he can find someone they'll all accept. Maybe its all me. Maybe I'm the catalyst for all the chaos.

Thankyou AVR1962 for your thoughts.
My daughter has'nt just turned against me herself but has managed to turn her brothers against me also. This is what I find so hard to understand because the younger of her two brothers knows what she is like and is well aware of how difficult she has been for me over the years because we have
discussed it often. I read an article in an English newspaper last week that some child psychologists who in the past said "there is no such thing as a bad child only bad parents" have now changed their thinking and are now saying that some children are
'hard wired' to be bad or at the very least very difficult for their parents. I now feel that maybe my children would have had more respect for me had I worked and left them with a childminder but at the time because there were three of them who were, because of the big differences in their ages, at different schools and attending pre-school that anything I earned would have gone straight to childcare. My father dies suddenly when my daughter was 3, and I then took on the responsibility of caring for my demented mother and her brother, which had been my retired father's job. Hindsights a wonderful thing, but knowing what I know now I would have definately tried to have some sort of outside the home life for myself. But I am an unselfish person and would have struggled to put myself before others needs. I hope this does'nt make me sound like some sort of martyr . It's not martyrdom. I was brought up to care for others from being a child and as they say, old habbits die hard. A friend of mind always said when it came to children you should keep 25 per cent of yourself for you. At this time I am struggling to find a way to cope with the loss of all my family.

Until I read these posts I had no idea how many Mums out there are suffering the way I am. I moved to live with my fiancee in Sweden with my 15 yr old daughter. 3 weeks ago we returned to England, hoping to stay with my eldest son and his fiancee and young baby until I could find work again in England because I realised I could'nt live with the isolation /no job I had here. When we got to my sons, my daughter, who had just turned 16 told my son that she would never return to Sweden because she hated it and hated me for taking her there.
The consequences of her saying this is that now neither of my sons or my daughter will have anything to do with me. I returned to Sweden alone, something I really did'nt want to do. My relationship with my fiancee is over, because I feel that moving here to be with him has lost me my children. I have paid a very high price to be with the person I once loved. I am now stuck in a kind of limbo having nowhere in England to return to and no money to do it with. It has made me suicidal.

hello,
I want everyone of you to read the posts,,you will notice a pattern of behavior,,and the way you responded to her actions,,I am in the same boat, but my grown daughter does not live with me, she lives with her boyfrend and they have had my first grandchild, I am disabled; and when I told her that I could not physically babysit her child,,she took it as I backed out on her, she started cursing me and told her to get out,,,and when She would not leave I started throwing her stuff out,,she cursed me and at one point threatened to break my arm, and I told her she would go to jail, then she told me I would never see her or the baby again,,and you know what I am so relieved,,I had that child at one point twenty four hours a day,,because her or the father of the baby had things to do,,,why are rewarding these children , when they clearly disrespectt us? Read every post and you will see -girl acts out parent gives in,,we are not there friends we are their parents, and if that child threatens us with what ever,,let her go,,do what you have to as a parent but once they are adults,,its time to grow up..empower yourselves and let them grow up.