> Linda,
>
> It helps to see a therapist, especially when the wounds are fresh. Some of the things my therapist said that helped me are--
> Take care of yourself. No matter how much money you spend on yourself, you'll still save money compared to what you spent on ___.
> Don't obsess about your daughter. It's hard to understand sociopathic behavior. When thoughts of her intrude, let them go. Replace them with something else. Create good memories now. Let go of the past; you can't change it.
> Set aside your self-blame. You are not responsible for your daughter's choices/behavior. You did not tell her to lie, etc. You taught her good things. She made her own choices.
> Your daughter may continue to try to manipulate you. Don't let her. Protect yourself.
> Never give ___ another thing. You've given enough.


Thanks for this advice. It helps and I'm going to find a therapist because I refuse to let even my daughter ruin my life. I'm sick of being a victim. I'm tired of it.. I spent money getting my hair done today instead of on her. It felt really good.

This is a reply to a few posts. I recommend the book, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. It is impossible for me to understand sociopathic behavior. That said, ideas and words are just tools for sociopaths and malignant narcissists. They say what they need to achieve their ends (ends may not be logical), but statements and agreements are easily abandoned when this is opportune. She clearly is baiting you. Ignore her. Move onto something more rewarding for you.

My daughter is a malignant narcissist. She has exhibited sociopathic behavior since about the age of 7, but I focused on the positive, disciplined her, and hoped she would grow out of the mean behavior. She has been extremely manipulative and dishonest, which is the opposite of me and how I raised her. After she wiped out all my money and savings on her private college education, lifestyle, car, computer, designer wardrobe, etc. and embezzled from me--she tried to destroy me, leveled false charges against me, defamed me, tried to get me fired from my job, thrown in jail, killed. All because she didn't want to work after college.

To those who feel guilty--don't. I was a focused, loving, generous parent who never drank, smoked, or did drugs. I studied and applied good parenting skills and took her to therapists when she was young. My primary focus in life was my daughter's wellbeing. You are not responsible for your daughter's choices. You are not responsible for any other person's choices.

I have a question. I am moving and trying to clean out things I don't need. I gave her all the things of monetary value when I told her she had to move out. What do I do with the cards, letters, pictures, school records, videotapes, etc.? I had hoped when she was young that she would grow out of her evil behavior. I kept these things because I thought she would want them some day, but now it's been years and she's gotten worse and there is no hope of a healthy relationship. These things cause me pain. I would appreciate others' experience with this process and what you did with the "memories" in paper, videotape, and pictures.

I read your post and have been through much of what you have regarding your daughter.

She may be a sociopath, drugs, lying constantly, stealing, memememe syndrome, never takes responsibilities, and no remorse.

Only a therapist could make an accurate diagnosis. At her age it is highly unlikely she will volunteer to be examined.

You could use the guise of trying to help her get through HER issues....yes, make it about HER....and ask the therapist to check her for sociopathic traits.

There is no treatment for this however. It tears families apart, no love from a sociopath either, using everyone in their paths. You have to remove yourself from her life.
She will come back to you ONLY if she needs something. They will cry, beg, tell you what you want to hear to get you to respond, but they are still the same inside. Once they have conquered you, they are back to their true self.

Don't fall for it. Play it against her.....try to get a diagnosis...for YOUR reassurance that you are not responsible for her behaviors.
Know that we are not perfect parents and we do our best. Don't grovel to her and apologize any longer. They hate when we are doormats.

Hold your head up and be a proud woman first......you have changed your life for the better, let go and let GOD...HE is the only One who can deal with a sociopath.

Good luck and do seek help for yourself if all else fails.

I can't believe I found this forum but I am so glad I did. I have 4 children. Two from a previous marriage both boys and aged 36 and 34 and both are married. I have a 21 year old son who just graduated college and moved home and is working full time. I have a 19 year old daugher who moved out 10 days ago. I am so upset about my daughter. I made many mistakes in my life. I've had to battle alcohol abuse and pot smoking myself and I know I have caused problems for my kids. The first two kids were raised totally sober and responsible. When my husband started abusing me I just fell apart and relapsed and lost everything I had worked for including the love of my second son who basically cut me out of his life after he finished college. I rarely see him, and never hear from him. I have repeatedly tried to mend our relationship but he will have nothing to do with me. For 14 years this has hurt me terribly. My daughter knows this has crushed me and I have always feared she would also cut me off. Even though I had problems with alcohol at times I really did love my kids and was there for them. I worked part time and cared for the youngest two by myself. I was there for them everyday. My daughter has always lied to me since she was about 6 years old. She lies straight faced and with no remorse. I love her with all my heart no matter what. I adored her and still do. I encouraged her to fulfill all her dreams and I probably really went overboard because of my guilt. Anyway, in the past year things went downhill. She wanted college and I sent her where she wanted to go. I spent all the money I had really. By the way I've been on disability for 14 years so money is a big issue for me. She quit college after 6 weeks and came home. I let her because she begged and begged and I kind of knew that she wasn't going to class anyway. I shouldn't have let her. She came home and got arrested for shoplifting a month later. I was there for her and paid her lawyer and had to fight for 3 months to get her to do her community servive. She got a job that she liked and then for some mysterious reason they stopped putting her on the scedule. She got another job waitressing and then after 3 months was fired "for being 5 minutes late". I know that wasn't the reason but she'll never tell me the truth. She started babysitting sporadically. She told me a few months ago that if I told her to work she wouldn't and that she would do the opposite of anything I say. She said she couldn't stand me and couldn't wait to leave home. I told her she could leave home and she said she had no money. She did nothing to help around the house at all. She left her stuff everywhere and I tried to say nothing because telling her doesn't work. I was hoping she would change on her own. I noticed she was going out drinking . She didn't drive if she was drinking. Or so I thought. She smoked pot sometimes but she didn't seem out of control with any of that. But then I found out she was doing coke in her room with friends. She admitted it and said she could handle it. I caught her again and again she pleaded with me that she could handle it. Of course I know better but you can't tell someone using that they should stop cause they won't. Two weeks ago I cleaned her room for her and I had her permission to do it. I wanted to help her get her room organized so we could paint it. I found more evidence of coke use and pot and alcohol and an empty bottle of prescription sleeping pills that she took from my room. I don't take them but I had them. The same time I found all this a local girl of 16 died from prescription pills. I got scared and I talked to a counselor who told me to tell my daughter that she had to go for an evaluation or she could not live home. My daugher packed her stuff and left. She has been so abusive in so many ways for so long and yet I still miss her. She is giving me the cold shoulder. I text her I still love her and miss her and she ignores me. I know I made many mistakes but I always own up to them and get help. I blame myself for everything. I'm afraid I will never have a relationship with her and I am so sad. I never cut my mother off or my dad and trust me I had problems with both of them. My daugher went to live with my nephew who is on drugs. I am exhausted from all t his. All I can do is pray and wait and hope.
Maybe some day I will be reconciled with all my children and the hurts will be healed for all of us. I can't begin to tell you how hard I tried to be a good mother and still I feel that I failed. I just want a relationship with her.

strange to say...i posted yesterday and last night my daughter called me...I can count the times that she has called me on two hands. she said she was just calling to touch base, but I got the feeling she wanted something and wouldn't say. I think my tone with her was surprised.

Hi, Linda B. My daughter hates me too. During her first pregnancy her boyfriend had her convinced to hate me...but after the baby was born and was a little under a year old she left him and came home for a month, about 6 months along with her second child. Mostly she just slept while she was home. Then she went back to her boyfriend, and he upped and moved her to Nowhere Texas, away from everybody she knew. Then she called me all the time and we talked. After the child was born he moved her to out to the Mid-west. She didn't even tell me was pregnant again til a little before the birth of child 3. And after that, she's purely hated me for 13 years. Doesn't matter what I do...I recently decided I just have to give up. I am finally acting like a childless person, and as I am not with my first husband, (her dad) anymore, I think it is better for me and my husband that I just live mostly like she isn't a part of my life. Because she just isn't.

Sadgrandma,

As I was reading your poste it really made me stop and realize how many of us are out there. My daughter is 29 and she still hates me. I can actually see her trying to love me, but it is a struggle for her. I was always so close to my mother, and even though we had our problems from time to time, we loved each other very much. Everyone around me tells me to let go and focus on myself, but my heart is broken into a million pieces. What makes it even worse is that she gave me a grandson 6 months ago and I can't even see him. I believe she is involved with some prescription drugs and it is making things even worse. I just don't know what to do. Reading these posts is a great source of comfort to me and I pray for not only myself, but all the other mothers out there who have a broken heart. I pray that God will watch over us.