I thought things had been better, and as a mom it has hard for me to give up hope and wish more for my daughter. Now 29 her life has been a mess much like the stories I have read from the rest of you and it all seemed to start when her dad left when she was 6.

Daughter recently packed her father's house up, he'd been asked to leave the place he'd been living. His second wife divorced him a few months ago..... infidelity which was what broke up our marriage. Ex has been trying to hide his affair but our daughter found over-whelming proof in his house.....not only that but found bondage porn on his computer, toys in his house, women's underwear in ziplock baggies. There was a confrontation where my ex told both our daughters he wanted to throw them in the river and jump in himself....meaning he wanted to drown them and kill himself, the man has a terrible temper. Oldest daughter contacted me all upset telling me all that had happened, and of course I was lending her support, something she knew I would do eventhough she has actually called me in over 2 years, doesn't respond to my emails or acknowledge the gifts I send her and her kids.

The next day I got a call from my younger daughter telling me to be careful, that eventhough they did find all this stuff and that their dad did say what my oldest told me, my oldest was at the same time saying that "she didn't have a mom" and that I hated children, and defending their dad when the younger daughter would make a point of some flawin his character and then would turn around and point blame my direction saying that I was as bad, that I lied too, etc.

I have done nothing but try with this daughter. I knew when her first child was born she would never let me be close and eventhough I do call on b.days, send cards & presents, make visits, I have been careful not to get too close, I am very close with my other grandchild from my younger daughter. I have been able to get close to him and I think there is a resentment because of it but the difference is in my daughters. My oldest wants her father to be in her kids' lives (not me) and she has chased him down to make sure that he has been a part but she acknowledges nothing I do as good. I'm not surprised, as this has been going on for years, my oldest grandchild is 10, it's just frustrating.

Now though, I have to figure the way ahead as I do not want to get sucked into her saga with her father and I think the only thing my daughter wants form me is my support. I see nothing in her actions and the thngs she says that indicates to me that she cares to have a relationship with me. Infact quite opposite, she still is tryng to get "my goat" with pics and comments about family who I have diconnected with along the way.....like her father, making sure I see pics of her kids and the whole family with him in it. Insisting that she just doesn't want to seperate the picstures or making comments that she was denied family get-together with both sides of the family as a child because of the divorce so she insists on bringing the 2 families together for her kids' b.day celebrations. My family finally drew the line.

Never has she realized or acknowledged what I have been thru at the hands of her father. This was a very abusive man who cheated and didn't want to work. I raised my daughter without child support from him. He left me all the bills to pay from our marriage. he turned around and did the same to his second wife and now my oldest is supporting her stepmom and telling her she loves her. But somehow in eyes I hadn't been thru the same?? I'm the one at fault. So while I know I have to keep safe boundaries I am not sure exactly what it is that I should do, if anythng.

Annette

I know how you feel..
My daughter is 13 and has recently decided that she hates me and has moved to her dads house.
Its heart breaking . I have not seen or spoken to her in 3 weeks.I have tried several times but, she wont speak to me.
This just kills me and i dont know what to do.
Has anyone had anything like this happen to them?
thanks..
glad to find this site!

I was so stressed our this morning that I actually left my house 2 hours early for work which is normally a 10 minute drive. Yes I also have an 18 yr. old out of control, ungrateful teenage daughter. However in my case I also need to throw in the ex-husband who lives in another State, and his 8 judgemental siblings who all live here. My daughter started saying mean things to me when she was like 10. She would often kick or slap me and I can remember this happened when she was like 6. I used to put her in time out ( like Suppynanny) would reccommend, and she would always say sorry for what she did, but would continue to do it again. It got to the point that she figured if she did something wrong her "sorry" would fix it all. Fastforward to 18 and the past couple of years have been unbareable. At 18 she's in 11th grade so she might graduate at 19. She doesn't do drugs which is one plus but tbe verbal abuse is so out of control. She met this guy 2 weeks ago and I told her ( because she was a virgin) when you're ready you need to be placed on birth control. Thursday night no daughter, she texted me at 12 said she was spending tbe night at a friends house. Saturday night told her she needed to be home by 2 she texted me back said she had been drinking and she was staying at tbe boyfriends parents house. I told her no however she never responded back. I was up all night worried like many nights before.... Sunday she pulls in and says "mom cut the apron strings cause I'm not your little girl anymore, so just to let your crazy f*+=ked up a** know I had sex last night. So yep my so called grown up mature (so she thinks) had unprotected sex. We rushed to a drug store asap but it's not a big deal to her. I mentioned the fact that she might be pregnant and she said "oh well sh** happens and I'll just get an abortion" like it's nothing. I've tried talking to her but I've been told to stay out of her life. She told me Tuesday night that she wishes I were dead. Told me to just drive my car into a tree. These verbal beatings are nothing new for her it's been going on for a long time however none of rhe dead comments. She's invovled her Father who calls to make sure she's okay (haha) and now her Aunts and Uncles are invovled. Funny thing we've been here for 4 Years and none of them have ever called or made an attempt to see her. Ohh yeah the lowlife ex-husband has never paid child support for her either. We divorced when she was 5 - so 13 years worth. Prom is a month away and she went and picked put a dress and matching necklace which totals $520.00. I said it was too much she needed to get something cheaper but Daddy dearest said he would pay so she was jumping for joy. He paid 150$ so the remaining $370.00 is now on my shoulders. I was told by her if I was dead she would have a great prom. I'm not paying the balance so my ex contacted his family and they're taking care of it cause I'm ruining her prom on purpose. Of course they hear her side and it doesn't matter that I have always gone without to provide for her. I wear Wal-Mart clothes and she wears Hollister. I eat lunch from home - she buys. I have given her everything but it doesn't matter because I'm still the bad person. Oh and she's getting ready for peom at her grandmothers I'm not invited, and not allowed to go take pictures either I was told to just stay away cause I ruin everything in her life. She's still in the house however there is no conversation. I mentioned last night if she told her boyfriend that she wasn't on birth control and I was told " it's none of your business stay out of my life" So my wall is thick I've suffered mental abuse for 15 yrs from my ex-husband and 13 yrs with my daughter. My current husband reminds me weekly how my 24 yr old son needs to move out of our house because he's too old to live at home anymore. So Im at a breaking point in my life- I continue to play the lottery and if I won I can honestly say "I'm running away" I can not stomach my daughter anymore she's treats me like crap and has half the community convinced that I'm crazy. I see the way people look at me but I'm not about to defend myself so I just crawl into my little hole and stay protected there. I think she needs to find somewhete else to live, but afraid she will be high school drop out and come back to haunt me with 2.5 kids. I am emotionly dead inside from her, and at this point can't even look at her anymore... I don't feel like I failed I think I just give up. She has been killing me slowly for the past few years with her hurtful words. She knows how to attack deeply. I can honestly say that some days I hate her. She has no remorse and some day when she grows up and needs me emotionly I don't think I will be able to. I'm not one to hold a gruge but the damage is done. My doctor told me I needed to relax because my blood is high, and the chest pains come now daily. The meds he gave me don't work anymore. Like I said she's killing me daily. Seriously don't know what to do?

i definitely agree that you cannot change a person attitude but make one self happy and thats what i do most of the time.

i called her today and thought i visit and bring an ice coffee and see her but she was off to class as i can't keep up with her schedule. time heals pretty much our frame of mind but we all know its a tough road and the tough love can work or back fire but I know the first thing right now is to heal myself and take one step at a time.

my friends here know what i've done for her and i have to laugh as I also hate confrontations as i am pretty calm as the outburst of anger really gets you no where. I always told her that when i get oldyou probably push my wheel chair over the bridge in a joking manner. but your right it is a form a elder abuse and she certainly took care of her dad when it was sick back in october and i was here just trying to do wash and climb down stairs to wash ~ its over now I'm physically doing alot better and I guess it only reaffirmed my stubborness to be independent like I have since I was 14.

Your daughter is your baby and deep down in their hearts they do know who was there for them since a baby but society today grown kids 30 and down to 13 have no respect ~ think of me myself and I attitude and there are so many mothers that are abused from husbands ~ boyfriends etc... and I know its a learned pattern from a child with all the stuff out there.

If your daughter left you know she be back as both my grown kids did this 3xs but its time for me to take care of me mentally ~ emotionally ~ physically and financially which is what us Mom's have to realize at one point in our lives and move on to a better place as they will do what is best for them right or wrong.. its destiny.

I find when I don't call eventually she does and wants to know how "whats new and how r u" I'm pretty brief and always ask how the baby and her are doing and move on.... its tough but right now I'm the most important person to myself so i can heal and not deal without the drama which is so common with daughters...

All of our situations are so different in so many ways, yet I keep seeing this common thread that runs through all of our stories.

It also amazes me that these young women are willingly tossing out their mothers; treating them as if they are expendable things that will always be around as long they need money, a place to sleep, etc.

My own mother was an alcoholic, and abusive physically and emotionally. I lived in total fear of her, but beneath that was still this love and knowledge that she would be there when nobody else would be.

She died when I was 19, and I'll never know if that would've been true. But as pathetic as it sounds, 25 years later, I still mourn her. Because she was still my MOTHER. I know she had vulnerabilities and pain that lead to her treatment of me. And she was taken away from me. I had no choice in the matter. I wanted a chance to reconcile with her, I wanted a chance to see our relationship become what I wanted it to become. I wanted to learn more about her, to understand why she was an alcoholic. I forgave her, and I wanted the chance to show that. But I never got that chance.

Yet, here are these young women who are willingly throwing their mothers into the trash. Abusing them, holding on to anger, retaliating for some perceived injustice that their mothers committed. It seems that usually that "injustice" is simply the mother doing what she can to survive, which sometimes mean leaving a bad marriage. These daughters are seeing nothing but their mother's "selfishness." How dare they disrupt the livesof their children simply because they don't like their husband anymore?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel for all of you here. I know that none of us deserves this. Coming here, and seeing the pain we are all experiencing, only confirms the knowledge that we were, and ARE still good mothers. None of this would hurt us if we were not.

wow... the story sounds like mine.. 2 rear end car crashes for me too ~ trying to recoup and feeling no one knows how hurt you are and the hate she really has had since I divorced when she was 8 and the nightmare began...she is now 24 with a new grandson that I don't see like a grandmother should... she moved in and out 3x's and I took her in when her boyfriend and so called Mother in law didn't want this child ~ now I'm the DOORMAT as she is back with the father and Mother in law and I'm on the out side looking in and feeling pretty low..

sleepness nights from pain and stress of not being able to do what I use too since the car crash and the hurt and pain from all the years of helping her fnancially ~ emotionally ~ buying her love i guess after dealing with her brother who had dsylexia and ADHD has only strenthen me to try and go on and accept I cannot change her personality as she now confess she IDOLOIZES her father and the mountain continues to grow when he wasn't in the picture

I guess time heals but the body ~ sole ~ heart are pretty well broken and I have to take care of my healing process 1st and get back to work somewhere ... best of luck and im glad I guess im not the only one suffering

Wow, I have been dealing with my daughter's hatred towards me for so long and have been too embarrassed to tell anyone. It started in her teens and it's still going on at 21. I have never done anything to her but love and support her. Apparently my money is good enough to spend on her, but my company is not welcome. She calls me worthless, stupid, dumb*ss, fat *ss, etc. I have taken care of her all my life until I was in a serious car crash that took 3 years to recover from. Now I am finally healthy enough to go back to work and she mocks me and says hurtful things about how long I have been disabled...like I had a choice to be in this condition. She will not lift a finger around the house, refuses to pick up anything at the grocery store (I was bedridden and unable to shop, mind you), and complains when there is no food in the house. But what gets me the most is how she thinks her company is priceless - like she's doing me a huge favor by spending 5 minutes with me without texting people in between. The evil eye she gives me, the hatred and no appreciation sickens me. Her lack of concern has killed me inside. I would never, ever treat my mother this way. My question is why the heck does she stay living here if I am so awful? She makes plenty of money and could be out on her own. Every time I tell her to find her own place, she refuses and gives me the silent treatment for days on end. I've raised her alone (and my other 3 kids) for most of her life; her father is an alcoholic who moved away many years ago. I know she hates him too for leaving her, but why does she hate me for staying with her?

Thank you so much for your wisdom and kind words, Karen. I can't express how much of a relief it is just to be able to publicly express what I am experiencing. And, this is not just about me, really. As much anger as my daughter has, even if she truly believes I am the monster she says I am (or was), I can only imagine she is going through her own hell right now. She HAS to have some kind of regret over this, unless she is a complete sociopath. The whole thing has really been sort of surreal, actually. I'm just entering into the phase of acceptance, and I hope I can continue on that path until she decides to be the daughter I think she can be.

Again, thank you SO MUCH.