Originally posted in our previous blog by:

Jeff Cooper
re: Rat Finks
Thu Jun 15, 2006 5:20PM

Great question, great problem which is exacerbated by the state of modern technology. Kids have always acted out, wanting to "become adult" etc. Before, they'd talk about it amongst themselves at school (usually in very hushed tones so the adults couldn't hear). Now... we have "MySpace."

I wonder if kids would be so open with their antics if it was called "OurSpace." In a way, I'm really glad to think that there was a community of practice for teens to really learn about life and grow up, using an online venue like MySpace to do just that. Quite often I'll get a kid at Tapped In who will come in with a boyfriend or parent problem and ask for what amounts to, basically, free advice from an anonymous adult.

Now... Tapped In is for educators, and if you ask advice there, you're asking for advice from a professional educator. When you ask for advice at MySpace, who are you asking? You could post it as a bulletin, or try and find a group that seems germane to the problem. In any event, you're actively looking for someone to give you some feedback.

Of course, most kids aren't actively looking for advice there. They're pretty much treating it as a virtual diary and feeling somewhat omnipotent and anonymous, especially to "us" (the adult world). They want a lot of friends, and certainly it's always been true that if you're young, bucking authority and rules is one way to get peer approval.

That being said, it is indeed possible (maybe probable) that a lot of what is being said at MySpace is fact... but it could also be fantasy. When you read about kids getting drunk or having sex, this may in fact be truth, and it may in fact be bravado and storytelling aimed exclusively at their friends without the expectation that any parent would read it or act upon it.

So... as a parent... "what to do, what to do?" In this case, clearly you have a handle on what your own kid is doing online and IRL. The big question is what to do with the information you're gleaning from your kids' friends at MySpace. Here are several possibilities as I see it:

1. Do nothing. This will eat at you because you will have a lot of information (true or not) about kids. If you do nothing and "nothing happens" then no problem. However, if you do nothing and a kid gets pregnant, or overdoses, etc. then how will you feel? Not so good I imagine.

2. Write to the kids involved. You could do this either anonymously (setting up a new random account) or as yourself, and letting them know that their antics are known. Ask *them* what they think you should do with the info. In a sense, this won't make you be a "rat fink"... at least yet. When they write back and say "nothing"... then write them what I said in answer #1 and tell them to try again.

3. Write directly to the parents (again either anonymously or as yourself). This goes directly to the "rat fink" realm which would certainly not do wonders for your own kid's popularity, but would certainly clear your conscience. The biggest question here would be what exactly would you say and do? My recommendation here is that when/if you do write to the parents, simply let them know that they should keep an eye on what their kids are doing online. Let them know that even if they know their kids have a MySpace account, that they might have a *second* (or third) account that they *don't know about*. Encourage the parents to open some conversation with their kids, where it's pretty clear that communication at this point is somewhat of a wall.

4. Consider that these kids are bored out of their minds and that drinking/drugs/sex/vandalism whatever you're seeing is because they don't have enough structure in their lives to be doing something positive. My own suggestion is to get these kids actively involved in saving the planet through sites like Takingitglobal or Nabuur,etc. Indeed, if you could educate yourself and get the kids actively involved with a number of social sites that are also socially *responsible* (and indeed, MySpace does have a number of socially responsible groups and individuals), they might be willing to take some of their orgy time and devote it to something a little more constructive.

5. Arrange for peer and parental monitoring of MySpace. This is something that MySpace already encourages... having kids look out for each other and make sure that the sites (and behavior) remain appropriate. I really don't know how to make this work, and I imagine that MySpace has some support information about it, but frankly I haven't looked for it. I do think that the kids that are posting whatever they feel like out there on some weird twisted level want (need?) to have their butts kicked.

This is just me as a parent (and I'm extremely liberal too... born and raised Berkeley liberal)... but if kids are posting stuff that is way out of line and inappropriate, then yeah... find a way to kick their butts! I've given you a variety of ways to do it, and you have a number of options. I really don't think the "do nothing and ignore it" routine will satisfy you in the longrun. You'll need to find some kind of answers that will satisfy your own sense of social responsibility to your fellow parents, and to yourself.

Regards,

Jeff Cooper
Education Technology Support Consultant

Originally posted in our previous blog by:

Anne Collier
Re: reading what you can't believe!
Thu Jun 15, 2006 7:59PM

As Jeff Cooper said in his earlier comment in this thread, yes, some of the stuff in kids' profiles can be pretty unnerving, but no one be sure how much is fact and how much fiction - it definitely needs to be taken with a grain of salt (law enforcement people in Dallas, for example, are noting the difference in MySpace profile between "gangsta wannabes" and gang members - see this item in NetFamilyNews).

As for knowing what they're really doing, the best thing to do is talk with them. Tell them it's your job as a parent to know the basics of what's going on in their lives, and tell them you'd like to know their URLs or screennames - or see if they'll show you their profiles (make a note of the URL or address) when you're there. You don't need their passwords to see their profiles. I know of know way to hack people's profiles and don't believe there's any monitoring trick besides either getting the URL and occasionally checking in on their profile or installing monitoring software on the computer they use the most to capture their every keystroke (seems very heavy-handed unless you're really concerned they may be in real trouble and they're uncooperative).

One rule some parents have is "nobody on your friends list but people you and I (the parent) know in person." They may be well beyond that, but you can certainly issue that as a guideline. The next potential rule is, "Never respond to a comment, email, or IM from someone you don't know." If you don't want to or can't impose such rules, you can certainly share your concerns. All the best with this.

Originally posted in our previous blog by:

Dot Calm
A Solution That Worked VERY Well For Us...
Mon Jun 19, 2006 6:47PM

Dear Linda,

I can totally sympathize with you...I have been trying for the past 6 years to let parents know what I am finding...and I meet with varying levels of cooperation when I do so. I was asonished at how many parents are accusing me of trying to 'bad mouth' their children (it didn't help that I was teaching in the same school where my children attended)!

Nothing astonishes me any more, but have learned a wonderful method to deal with this, and it solves the problem beautifully without any repercussions to your own kids.

Go to a respected teacher or coach and explain what you have found. Often they are happy to step in and bring the offensive material to the attention of the child, and this saves face for all concerned. If the child does not rectify matters, then the issue is brought to the parents' attention (or it might be done so immediately, depending on the severity of what is found on the site).

One coach at my son's school took the quarterback to task for his obscene site, and then he had a "chat" with the whole football team--telling them that if anyone put up any more trash, they would have a backbreaking workout(of course, he put it in language that really made the kids sit up and take notice). Thank God for coaches and teachers that will get involved!!

My other solution was to start a blog site of my own,
www.Moralert.com, which deals mainly with Internet issues and other issues that involve kids' morality or morality in general.